Can I learn to trust again? Can I learn to love again? The love is there… it isn’t just lust… (but there is some of that…)
Why in the hell did the goddess have to send me a long distance relationship? I mean, HELLO! I don’t do great with local ones, or I haven’t in the past… I want one that works, that I believe in, but the distance is there. How many tests is there? Hell, I don’t even know when Thorik will be able to come back to Topeka… and if it will be a visit or the beginning of a “move” here.
I’m not ready to cry. I’m not ready to let someone this far into my heart. But there he is.. and 4 hours away with no clue when he’ll be back. That is why I never let anyone in after my ex.. or at least not in very far.. but here I go again.. and when will I know if it was the right thing? Will I ever know?
I don’t know if Thorik realizes how vulnerable I am.. how scared. Yes. I’ve told him, but this is something NEW for me. Maybe that’s why so few people ever got too far into my heart.. just as they get closer and closer, something happens and I pull myself away. I protect myself from getting hurt. How long can I love him without having to start protecting myself. That is the question. How long can I stand this before I have to… stop?
I guess I just need to believe.. to trust… he WILL come to me when he can… but I suck at patience. 6 months or more… well, I can’t stop my life on maybe’s. It’s not a maybe yet. He’s still planning on being here sometime after the New Year, I believe (I guess I should ask him again, but I’m sure he’s sick of it. He wants to be here by such and such date, but wants and occurances don’t always match.)
Is this my punishment for DJ? Nah.. I was always honest with him. I always told him that I didn’t love him nor would I love him, although he kept hoping… so no… ‘sides, punishment is the way of the Christian God. Sometimes I “forget” cuz my Catholic roots were so strong…
Anyway.. I gotta stop being so pessimistic. I know if I “believe” (clap clap) it will happen! Perhaps it is my own negativity that is causing the bad things? Nah.. prally not helping though. He has responsibilities there.. I don’t know if / what he will do about his step daughter. (Although she is 18 next month). I’m not one to come between them, and I would understand his choice to stay because of her, but it would devastate me… but I would understand…
I hate moods.. I sometimes even hate emotions. I’ve been so cold and so empty for so long, that everything is “shiny and new” .. the happiness.. AND the sadness. I guess I gotta re-learn both to truly “live” again… I prally really wasn’t living for a good long while now. 4 years? Going on 5! Wow. A long time to be dead emotionally… maybe I should allow myself to cry.. but.. I’m not sure I’m ready to let go THAT much yet… and that’s more of a pity party for myself than any real reason to cry.. if that makes sense…
I needed to write this down. So much going through my head. I think I’m a bit better now.. I hope… LOL
I just gotta believe. I just gotta trust. He says he’ll come. He’ll come. For the first time in my life, please goddess, help me to trust.. help me to believe.. and let it happen!