A new friend on MySpace wrote:
Hey everyone and happy Friday!!!!!! I’ve got a helluva weekend ahead of me but should be fun!!!!!!!!
I’m feeling the need to talk about sex today. Don’t know, there seems to be something in the air…something that’s affecting me anyways.
I do want to offer up a disclaimer before I begin. I am a totally honest person. I don’t know why this particular forum works so well for me but I want people who read my stuff to understand. When I write the things I do, it is as a form of self-expression and as a form of self-exploration, mental masturbation if you will. It is not intended to titalate or as an invitation. I personally haven’t had any issues with any one of my MySpace friends but a good example is the headliner I put up on my status thing last night. It says that I went jogging and that it made me horny. You would not believe how many friend requests I woke up to. All men responding to that simple statement but who obviously did not read what’s on my profiile. Am I offended? Not really because I can look to my part and see how that might seem an invitation to men…or women if I was into that. But…be that as it may, I have to ask myself two things; do I understand that to put that kind of stuff up there means that I have to accept the fact that a certain kind of individual will probably respond?; do I want to stop being who I am and stop being honest to make these kinds of requests stop? I guess there’s another question too; do I have a responsibility in any way to stop? Well, I don’t know for sure yet. My sponsor would make me look at all sides and then inventory it via 4th step. My intuition tells me that it’s ok to be honest but maybe I should take some of my personal info out like the city I live in as one of the requests came from a guy in my current city of residence. Prolly not good, considering I have children, etc. Maybe I should just go back to saying Minneapolis cuz that’s pretty generic. In fact, I think I will. Ok, so there’s that.
Now – I attended and was part of a Beltane ritual this past may. I, along with my daughters, created the sacrad space. My daughter’s banished and I blessed. It was amazing. At this time, I was actively getting to know this last man I was involved with. I asked the Goddess for clarity and insight into all parts of my life pertaining to men and my relationships with them and into my sexuality. I asked for help in building my pagan ties and that teachers continue to be put in my path. Here’s the deal…I’ve been a hornbomb ever since. All that maiden energy just swooped down into me and I feel alive in my heart and in certain parts of my body in a way that I never have before. I’ve always been very self-concious; some of you know that 5 years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery and though I’ve kept the weight off, I have skin issues – loose skin. It’s not as horrible as it is on some people but it definitely affected the one sexual relationship I’ve had since the surgery. I was able to get a breast lift and implants in June and that has helped boost my self-esteem unimaginably but I also need a tummy tuck, etc. It’ll happen. I already know that. But it’s gonna take time. Anyways, suddenly I don’t care about any of that. I mean I want the surgeries but I have all this self-confidence. I want to PLAY!
But…back to Beltane. So I have this newfound confidence and self appreciation. I got the clarity though like a slap in the face. My sponsor tells me that when you ask something from the Lady, she will give it to you…one must always be specific and state their intentions clearly because the Gods take you literally. Well, all this stuff started coming to me about this guy and I finally flat out asked him…are you married? I met him here last year and I was so drawn to him after only short conversation but I found him and I know he was involved but he gave me the whole, “I’m so unhappy thing…we haven’t been together in almost two years and I sleep on the couch. The only reason I stay is for my son.” He insisted that he and his “partner” as he calls her are not married. I know, I know, you’re all groaning and saying, “Denise, how could you have believed him?” The answers are surprising…I discovered them in my journaling last night. Oh man. That’s another blog. But I started to suspect certain things and I started thinking about certain things he said and I finally, just came out and asked him, “are you married?” and he wouldn’t answer me and he stopped emailing. Then two weeks later, I get this email and he says I love you…but he still didn’t answer the marriage question…and that’s when I said no more. I couldn’t go on with all of this. But I missed him so much, I missed the amazing kinds of things he said to me and how loved I felt by him and how cared for. He was still very much at the forefront of my thoughts and in my heart. Well, then I found that site with the porn on it…again, I don’t judge him for that. It is what it is. Most of the men who I am close to personally have this “addiction” and I’m not even completely against it except that for me, I really believe it encourages the objectification of women as a whole instead of encouraging men to have real, healthy relationships of their own. If a man can go online and have tits and pussy and ass right in his face, served up any way he likes it, then why should he have to make the effort at home to have a rich, meaningful and intimate relationship with his own woman? I’m not gonna get into that debate either but point is…I saw this man clearly just as I had asked. There is much good in him but the stuff that’s yucky, well it’s stuff that has the capability of bringing me down. Self-esteem issues, trust, all of that and I want that crap behind me. I want the real deal next time, no more of this bullshit. So, the Goddess gave me what I asked for. My sponsor said you asked for it and now you don’t like it, because you didn’t see what you were hoping to see which was that this man was the one for me and that it was so romantic and that for me, the storybook fantasy would become reality. Nope, nope and nope said my Lady. Deep breath. I love my Gods and I believe that all is as it should be right at this moment. But what of all this sexual energy? I have had one friend back off from me because we have a strictly platonic friendship and he said he can’t be around me right now because I’m far too distracting. This has never been an issue for us before and suddenly…he told me I have a heat radiating from me and that it’s too much for him. I’ve had a summer of men looking all the sudden. I don’t always know how to handle that. The animal inside me has sometimes wanted to say to total strangers, come take me in my car and we’ll never have to see each other again. I would so never do anything like that but I WANT to. I kind of feel like a predator sometimes. I’ll be in a totally innocent place and some hottie with tight buns’ll walk by and I catch myself staring at him and feasting my eyes on him and I’ll be licking my lips and literally purring. It’s bizarre and it needs to stop…or does it? What does my Lady want of me?
Here’s the deal, pagans are really lucky in that we have Gods that do not shame us for our bodies or our physical desires. Just the opposite, to have sex is to honor the union of the God and the Goddess. Sexuality is looked at as being natural and healthy. We also have the law of harm none and basically that means (in my thinking) that we don’t do the over fornication thing, we don’t things sexually that will harm ourselves or harm others. I have a friend who is a witch and she’s been sober for about 7 years and she told me that when she sobered up, she spent the first two years of her sobriety having all sorts of crazy sex. Group sex, same sex sex (I am so not against that, just mean that she wasn’t actually gay – it was more of a dirty little thrill) she just had lots of sex and one day, she realized that she was harming herself because sex had become as empty and as
meaningless as her drugs and alcohol had become right before she sobered up. At the time I talked to her, she had been in a good relationship with her boyfriend for 4 years. She said they still had killer, crazy, wild sex on a regular basis but that for her, she loved him so much that sex was no longer empty, just the opposite it filled her up completely. And I saw that love, some things you can’t deny. She was pregnant and sitting on her sunchair with nothing on but a sarounge around her legs, big belly and large beautiful breasts exposed to the sun…and he came over to her and was just stroking her belly and kissed her, cupping one of those breasts (I kind of wanted to cup her breasts too, they were really nice and they were REAL) and I didn’t feel uncomfortable with any of that, it made me want to cry actually because what it would be like to be loved like that? and here’s the thing…I have to believe I’m worthy of it first. I am getting there believe me. I know, I FEEL, that there have been some very fundemental changes in me through this last 4 months since Beltane and especially since my last relapse which was the day prior to the Spring Equinox.
Anyways, that doesn’t help with what do I do with this now. I told my sponsor I would wait until I had a year again to pursue a new relationship but I feel like I’m ready to put myself out there and see what happens. She said start observing men. Think about the men you know and start thinking about what assets you like and what you don’t like so much. What things do you want, what things are deal breakers and what things do you think you could live with…and just don’t have sex right now because this energy in you is too powerful right now and it could burn you or any lovers you might take on. So, I wrote about a few of the men I do know and feel close too and I know for sure, I want honesty – I have one friend that gives me that and he saved my life with it and I see how he is working with it in his life and yeah, I want an honest partner/lover/boyfriend. Another of my friends is very generous…both of his time and with things. He’s a giver and I like that. I want to be with someone who is a generous. Another friend makes me laugh hysterically and I love him for it. I want that. Another friend picks me up when he hugs me and he always tells me, “I fucking love you.” He looks me right in the eye when he says that so I want that too. I have to make a list of the dealbreakers too but I’m having too much fun with the positives right now. I plan to do more observing tomorrow.
My new MySpace friend Em gave me a spell for love and I’m not gonna touch it yet, I’m gonna do all this research and I’m gonna get through my steps (in AA) and then right around my Initiation time, which will be on Beltaine, I’m gonna go for it.
So…well there’s my rant for today. Jeez, thanks for listening and as usual I welcome responses.
Have a wonderful weekend. Stay safe.
and my response to her was…
Research is good!! :)
Make sure you are ready….
As for weirdo requests, when I was single I got a lot of those too… I finally put the requirements for meeting me on my page.. and if someone “ignored” them or didn’t even bother to read them (assuming of course some of them COULD read) I copied and pasted them into an email response and generally the weirdos didn’t bother me anymore.
I could generally get a good feel of the type of male they were by not only what they had on their page, but the types of comments made as well.
I’m pretty proud of them… *grin* And it was surprising how many guys tried so damn hard to fullfill them. LOL
Here they are, if you are interested…
Rules of Contacting me.
1. Know how to spell and write complete sentences. If you cannot write a complete sentence, or spell your words correctly, you obviously cannot have a coherent thought. Don’t bother emailing me.
2. Don’t expect to meet me today, tomorrow, next week or even the next month. I am cautious. I am a mother. Do you really think I would bring someone I don’t know into my life before knowing them better? No offense, but the world is a crazy and dangerous place, and I’m gonna protect myself and my son.
3. Don’t expect my phone number or my email address. (See # 2 above)
4. If you are a good Christian, GREAT! I, however, am not of the Christian tradition. I am Wiccan. You will not convert me.
Now, the fun stuff!! *veg* Sex!
Sex is natural … fun … a great way to release energies and frustrations…
I haven’t had a large number of sexual partners, but I’ve had a decent amount. (More than 20 but less than 30). Regrets? Some.. but not full regrets. They were all learning experiences.
For most of my life, sex was a weapon. I’m good looking but not a model. :) I can flirt and make any person (male or female) feel good about themselves. Yeah. I see flirting as making another person feel good, but then I saw sex as a means to an end sometimes too.
I’ve never had sex with someone because they were a virgin or because they were lonely. I always had some sort of attraction to them. Sometimes more mental than physical, but always an attraction. This caused some problems sometimes… and eventually I realized that I was no more than a sex object to some so-called friends. One in particular good friend for numerous years finally stopped speaking with me once he realized I would never have sex with him. That one hurt…. *sigh*
I’ve had my share of f-buddies. Those are always fun. Unfortunately, once in a while, they forget their role as just a f-buddy and fall. I’ve only had one horrible experience with this, but he’s finally moved on with his life… (mostly).
Sex is powerful. Sex IS a weapon. But I am learning, as you put it, that sex is also “to honor the union of the God and the Goddess”.
We ARE predators. And, in my mind, there is nothing wrong with that. You are at a phase, that as long as no one gets hurt, I say go for it! I love being noticed. I love looking at some strange guy, thinking, “I know you want me… ” I love being the tease…
I’ve changed … but I’m glad that I’ve had that experience. The experience of having almost anyone I wanted… at least for the sex. The newness of someone is so stimulating.. so exciting.. the passion is incomparable.
But now, after experiencing all that, I am stronger. I am ready for a relationship. The one I have with Thorik. I’ve been thru my childish phase and craze and have gone beyond. I found a man who accepts me for who I am and whom I am about to pledge a year and a day to. And for the first time in my life (I’ve been married twice) I am going to be faithful!
I’m nearly 40. The time for games is over.. but I lived a full life, sexually, and other ways. I know I can still seduce. I know that there are still men out there who would love to have that romp in a bed.. but I’m beyond that now. (Their loss! LOL)
So, take your time.. but… I say don’t fight those urges. Definitely practice safe sex. But sex IS natural. Why fight it? That way when your soul mate does come ’round, you will be ready in more ways than one!
(wow, that got long.. *hugs*)