Last night, (Monday) I had a most wonderful conversation with a dear friend of mine.
There was some insight, some ideas to think through, and just a great discourse.
Yes, I definitely need to take time to figure out myself. I need to figure out where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.
The only aspect that would take a parent to understand is that in no way will my self-exploration inhibit the time I spend with my son. Only a parent would know that the most important thing in the whole world is time spent with your own child. Once you become a parent, the rest of your life is spent in self-sacrifice and worry. You give everything to your child. You do everything for your child.
Fortunately, the way I see it, my goals are in the best interest of my son.
I want a good and secure job.
Someday, I want to find true love. (but who doesn’t?) No, I haven’t given up yet.. there for a while.. yeah.. but… where there is life, there is hope!
I must work on my miserable funk that I’m in… but I haven’t given up hope. I started going to see a shrink, and I really like him and he didn’t even blink or cringe when I told him some of the horrible things in my life that I have done.
But my funk is caused by my job situation. The situation my son is in because of his step-mother and the confusion caused by my ex as I try to figure out what the hell is going on there. I just want my son safe and happy. Right now, I have doubts on both counts, which of course, is causing additional stress.
I need to work on my anger and hate.
Yeah. Hate. I have finally admitted to myself that I actually hate someone. Yeah, that is a first for me, which is probably why I am not dealing with it very well. I’m not use to this emotion being so strong for so long. I usually get over it quickly. A brief moment in time of hate and then, ah, it isn’t worth it.
But when my son is involved and I’m scared for him, that hate just doesn’t go away. It is eating at me.. it is destroying me, and I truly believe this hate is at the heart of all my problems right now.
I asked the goddess for help, last wednesday.. and an email written in anger and hate was never sent. (It was saved as a draft, but never sent.) I believe that is a step in the right direction. Yeah. I still have a long ways to go. I still spill my emotions on my friends and family… but at least I didn’t attack this person directly (verbally.. or rather written word) as I wanted… and it took me most of the night to refrain myself. (And a lot of sage and chanting.. negative energies be GONE!!!!!!!!!) but I did it. Thank goddess the moon was full and she gave me strength.
After two weeks of not spending time with my son, I’m really looking forward to this coming weekend. It will be so good to see him and spend time with him.. I miss him so much!
So, with a bit of a brighter future and out look and realizing that I need to eliminate the hate and anger, I have a goal. Goals make a huge difference.. (and my rag is nearly over, so that helps.. damn pms and all the shit that goes with it).
I will survive.
(There was never doubt of survival.. just how much of myself was lost in the process…)
All will be well and all manner of things will be well.