• Thu. Sep 28th, 2023

An old ex

Actually, my first boyfriend, my first love, was shot Sunday night / Monday morning and died the next morning. I found this out through the grapevine although now I am now FB friends with the source who is his brother.

Processing this.

His brother remembers me…
Why does his brother remember me?

Ronny Blackburn was the first man I met (I was 17 he was 23) who read books. Who really REALLY read REAL books. Stephen King in particular.
I’d had a crush on Ronny for at least a year, (he had a beautiful smile and gorgeous long hair, a definite bad-boy). I finally had a chance to talk to him and we ended up talking about books.
All night.
Naturally, my parents called the police.. *sigh*

Once we got that all cleared up, we started dating. (I told my parents if they pressed charges they would never see me again. I was not a nice kid. Totally rebellious.)

My senior year of high school, I totally rebelled. I skipped school, I got drunk. (I never did drugs, although I was around them and was accused of it, I didn’t smoke pot until college)

And I got the highest GPA of my entire high school career. Go figure. But all I had my senior year were my favorite classes, from computers (OMG, I was SOOOO good at computers even in the 80s) to journalism and yearbook and newspaper to English. I had a real boyfriend, I worked at my parents store, and I had FUN!

Got my first car, a Pinto. Ronny taught me how to drive a stick shift… his patience was lacking.. LOL

We went to Colorado one time, went horseback riding and explored the mountains. I really enjoyed myself.

Went to college, at FHSU, still dating Ronny… one weekend when he didn’t show up to visit me, I hitch-hiked back to Ellsworth. First and only time I’ve ever done that.

I went to my first concert with him and many more concerts while we were together. Def Leppard, Joan Jett, Nazareth. LakeSide in Wilson was a spot we went to quite often. Hoffman’s Sandbar was a place we partied a lot. So many memories. Such as when he was running from the police, we lived at the river for half the summer, eating a lot of SpaghettiOs®.

My second year of college, he moved to Hays too. Naturally I moved in with him and ended up dropping out of college.

He started to get out of control on drug use…. and when he used my savings to buy more drugs, I was done with him.

We went our separate ways after a huge fight.
I never heard from him or saw him again.
Actually, I THINK I might have seen him once in Hays after I moved away, but I’m not 100% sure it was him. He looked like hell.

Over 30 years later… and the first news I have of him (other than hearing his dad died 4 years after mine did)
is that he was shot and killed.

So of course, I have to work through this.. and why oh why are their feelings of guilt? I couldn’t save him from himself. I couldn’t save him from his life of drugs and dealing. He didn’t love me enough to quit or get help back then.

Of course I wonder if he was ever happy, did he find true love, did he get married and have kids? Did anything good come into his life? Is it my fault? Is he going to send me messages in my dreams? Did he even remember me?
and why does his brother remember me?!?!?

I was IMing a mutual friend of ours from back in the day and he had this to say

I am sorry for the loss, you guys had some great memories (and not so great) but he – good and bad was part of your life and development that help shaped who you are, so I mourn the loss of the good parts and am thankful for those positive memories , (had a great smile and could be caring and funny) and hope he had a great life – he made awkward and weird choices and decisions (but they were his to make ) I am glad you didn’t stay on that crazy train with him lol and also glad you turned out awesome because and in spite of him. It’s OK to be sad happy mad and confused. Part of the process we grieve for them and for those parts of us as well-

That comforts me more than anything else so far.

I can’t believe I cannot find anymore photos of him.


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