I bared my soul…

I wonder if it will do any good.

To my ex…

Once upon a time.

No, that’s not right. This is real life and not a fairy tale.

As you’ve prally figured out, I’ve heard some disturbing things. It seems, now, that you are seriously planning on making things work with Tracy.

I admire this, but I also pity it. You and I have never had a chance to talk. To “close the door” as I tried to do oohh, nearly a year ago.. maybe more. (Someday, if ya wanna hear it, I may tell you about my Heartland Pagan Festival Vision Quest, which I took to finally get over you. It worked great until you called back in July, but that is a WHOLE other story.) Anyway, maybe this email is the best way, rather than face to face as I wanted to do before.

First, a couple things I’ve heard.
There is speculation that Tracy may be pregnant.
There is also rumors that Tracy is running around telling people that (Spiff) was the best lay she ever had.
You prally already heard about these, but I wanted to bring them to your attention as they have even made it to me.

Then, I was going to call you and tell you two things when you got out of the field today:
1.? I needed you to say “There will be nothing between us ever again”. I still need to hear that sometime, but.. right now, it is more important that you think about what you are doing.

2. I wanted to tell you that you did the best you could to save us. You tried harder than I ever thought possible, and had I been in the right mind, I would have listened. (Sometime, when life settles down, ask me my thoughts on this. Parts of me believe that Tracy was right and *********** , but that is all in the past now, and I have escaped him.) You did NOTHING wrong. I made the indecision myself.? You gave me numerous chances to change my mind and to make things work with you. You went above and beyond.

But yours and my situation was different. We BOTH loved each other. It was mutual.

Now, instead of calling, I’m going to write this down. I’m worried that you may be trying to make things work with Tracy because of Dess. I know you realize that Tracy is going to lose that house. Her bills are going to catch up with her and they will devastate her. The courts will see who can care for Dess the best and that will be you. Plus, if you get a good attorney, the point may be moot. I’m sure we can find enough people to say what a bad mother Tracy is and how she neglects the kids and that she only uses them to get to you. Dess will be better off without her (at least without her regularly) and I believe you will be able to prove that.? I will do whatever I can to help.

I can’t help thinking that your change of heart had something to do with the email I sent you before you went out in the field. Yes, I dislike Tracy. I’ve always made it clear, but I stopped when you asked me to. Our memories of things (which I do want to sit down after our son has graduated from college and talk about ? by then it won’t be as painful) differ greatly. I know you didn’t believe me then, and I know you probably don’t believe me now, but Tracy manipulated so many things that I did and said. She did it so slightly that it had a grain of truth mixed in with the lies which made it more believable.

Okay. I’m gonna say it. Yes. I will always love you. Yes, I will regret my indecision until the day I die.

However, no, I will not hate anyone and everyone you may get involved with. I think that if you found someone that was reasonable and willing to let me be our son’s mom and be a large(r) part of his life, that I would even befriend her and who knows. That is what our son needs. Parents who get along with ALL parts of his family.
I will never forgive Tracy some of the things. I will never forgive her the pain our son’s had to deal with. Sometimes I even hate her. But? won’t hate EVERYONE you want in your life. My dislike of Tracy stems from before she truly became our son’s step-mother.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more children. You don’t know how bad that hurts me. I wanted a large family. I wanted our little Andrea Katerine. I wanted.. but.. it was never your fault. It just was not meant to be. We have our son and for that I am blessed. You have our son and Dess, and however many children you have with a future wife and for that you are blessed.

Don’t make the mistake of losing opportunities to meet your future wife by trying to make things work with Tracy. It will kill your heart. I don’t want to see that again. I want you to be happy, and now that I think back, even though you weren’t really allowed to talk to me, I know that you weren’t completely happy. I guessed it when we went to Wal-Mart that time and bought our son his gun and you helped me find my fishing stuff that it really sank in. (Still haven’t caught any fish, though dammit!! LOL Of course, I never did figure out what I would have done HAD I caught something worth keeping.)

Anyway. You told me on the phone that once you make your mind up about something that’s it. You said that “you KNOW once you get on my shit list, you are there for life”. (And that was as close as I had gotten to you saying #1, but that still waits for another time).

Now, all of a sudden, you are going to seriously try to make things work with Tracy. It didn’t work before, it isn’t going to work now.

I feel I must add one other point. Katrin may tell you that I’m after you. That I’m trying to take you away from your family or whatever. That is NOT what I’m trying to do. I do know in my deepest heart of hearts that you will never love me like we once did. I know that. I know that we have both changed too much to ever have anything except a good solid friendship.

Please, don’t let Tracy take away our chance to be friends. I miss my friend. (After all, we were friends first.) Fight for your daughter. Find a better wife whom you can love and will love you the same in return.

If you want to call, that would be great. I will drive away from my house to a location where I get good signal and we can talk. LOL. The last time we talked (Sunday?) we had such a bad connection, I had to rely on ESP to understand half of what you said, and I still think I may have missed something important. Especially since it was the day after that that you decided to make things work with Tracy. I won’t let that happen again. I will drive my car to the highest hill in Topeka, if necessary, but if you want to talk to me, you can.

I want you to know that you can always talk to me. This is an aspect that saddens me. You always had a good relationship with Sally after your divorce, but you and I never had anything. Not even a mild friendship. It was always business like, and I know now that that was mostly because of Tracy.

Well, I’ve rambled on enough. I hope you made it all the way through this without hating me too much. I think I need a cig now, so I’m gonna go sit on my swing.

Have a good night and take care of you,
*hugs*
Em