In case 360 goes away and takes everything with it, I’m moving the oldest entries (and some of the newer ones) to my old site. Multiply only took 300 of the most recent, so I’ve also been doing this project. Well, actually I started this project before I found mulitply. Weird. I started it in November, thinking I only had a couple months.. and I just finished it this month.. either way, I found this blog entry from
October 24, 2003
It has been an interesting time since I last left a message here…
I have been a bitch.
But then, I’ve always been good at that.
I’ve gotten reacquainted with an old friend…
>Beautiful Poetry written by
It seems that I have a bad habit of affecting people’s lives. Or just sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.
I never learn. Past history is now showing that I have left a large impact, even though I tried not to, and now, I am doing it again. Except today, I went the other route, probably pissing this friend off forever. I don’t need a repeat of history. Not that there would have been, and I have been warned.. but then, when have I ever heeded warnings.. Not I. I must make my own mistakes…
Which reminds me of yet another person whose life was abruptly changed because of me… who now, will not email me or anything, although I miss his presence and his emails, in a sense, I guess I led him on. At least he learned. That is good. I do miss you, Omar… I deserve the treatment that you leaves me with, although if I could choose, there would be a change in who would still speak with me.. or perhaps not. Perhaps it is, as always was, my preference to have as many friends near me as possible. Perhaps a part of me is using them as a protective coat for when my current “lover” decides that he can’t deal with my inconsistancies, my temper, (and temperment), and attitude. My jealousies, especially, are an issue, but when a person has been consistantly hurt as I have, screwed around on, etc., then it leaves a person overly cautious and still extremely vulnerable.
So, now I deal with females who still “love” my boyfriend. Who he has no feelings other than friendship for, but yet, he can’t allow himself to tell them that. In a way, he misleads them.. or is he misleading me? I don’t know. I love him, but if he can’t make a committment to me, then I’ve told him that he needs to release me. That we need to go our separate ways. I am biding time. I am enjoying time with him right now.. We are having some really great times together, doing things, talking about things, learning things, watching football, taking care of my son, just being together… Things are good right now, no pain, no stress… just worried about one of these females weaning their way into his heart and stealing him from me… although he says it wouldn’t happen.
My ex said that he never would and never did sleep around on me, either…
Life makes it so tough to believe people. And I am stuck, with someone who is hurt that I don’t “trust” him, yet he feels no need to make a committment because he isn’t sure that is right… or that he is ready..
Now I find out my ex may be getting married. Soon. I don’t know if Tracy is pregnant or not.. but that would be my guess. Just getting married, I could deal with.. if she is pregnant, how will this affect my son, whom my ex has residential custody of… Will this mean I can file for residential custody? Is it a possibility?
So, I sit here, contemplating how my existance has affected others. The pain I have caused. The love I have caused. The suffering and the exisitance… (my son of course). No one could ever say that I have not left my mark. Friends, lovers and students… all will be just a little bit different because of me.. or not different, but thoughts were affected, a bit of life, a bit of love a bit of the future.
Isn’t it a wonderous thing to know how we affect lives? Isn’t a wonderous thing, to know… but isn’t it also a dangerous thing? Do we not realize how much of an impact we can have? Especially on our children or young adults that we interact with? NOt only our own children, but others as well? Isn’t it fascinating? Isn’t it overwelming?
I love the life that I have made for myself. I love the life that has now been offered to my Goddess. I know that She has made the largest impact of anything.. and I know that because of Her, I look at things in a whole new way.
Perhaps, I have learned from my experiences, perhaps these things were actually meant to happen to these people and they were expected to learn from them. I guess it isn’t up to me how I affect people’s lives, it is only up to me to be me, and to live and learn and love.
And I’m damn good at that.
And realize that the cycle has hopefully been broken… but I still have some work to do and fights to battle. I’m not free and clear of the cycle I am trying to reak. I must trust Thorik. Completely. He has given me a great reason to. He has never done anything while
commited to anyone. He was completely faithful to his wife, even though she was not with him. He stayed faithful throughout their entire marriage.
Okay, so Thorik and I are not “married” but we are exclusive. I’ve done my part and I know he’s done his… neither of us want to hurt the other.
There is a female whom I do not trust, but he states he has never done anything with her. Not even kissed her. I’ve mentioned her before, Michelle, and she wanted to have his baby.
I guess that is what scares me.. she could give him something (lotsa things actually, she’s rich) that I probably cannot. A son or daughter. I’m old. I’m broken. I would love to have his baby, I want a daughter so badly… but I do not believe it is in the cards. He says he will love m nomatter what, and if we are meant to have children, the goddess will make it possible. If we are not, then, of course, she won’t.
I cannot fathom guessing the mind of a goddess or what fate(s) she has in store in that arena.. but I will be strong and prepared for what she and the universe throws at me.
Just as long as I can keep this new cycle whole. No returning to the old cycle.
Yes, my existance has touched many lives. But now, there are only two lives I want to make a difference in, who I want making a diference in mine. My son and Thorik. I will continue helping others, lending a hug or a listening ear.. but my deepest love is reserved for Thorik and my son, and more importantly, my body is Thorik’s alone. I will make it so, because I have decided it to be so! ;)
Thanks for listening..