• Fri. Dec 9th, 2022

Blinding debilitating fear

Feb 4, 2019 , ,

(after you read this, you must read the followup blog Feb 2019 was a blur)

I’m not sure why.. but then again, maybe I am.
Adulting is hard.
I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay…
but adulting makes that more difficult.

Not sure, why, tonight, I’m scared.
There is ice on the roads and I will likely not be able to drive in to work.
And I’m scared that my job is at risk for that.
I blame my old job and their rules.. but then again, I was told specifically, at this job, that I I should work from home to be safe. So why am I scared? Why is it making me sick? What is this ball of fear?

I don’t want to lose this home, our forever home. I love it, but it isn’t cheap.
My tummy hurts from this fear. It is the middle of the night and I cannot sleep. I cannot read. I just know I’m giving myself ulcers.
Why??
Why am I strong sometimes and weak other times?

Why can I not release this fear this time?
I Love you
I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

Nearly 12 hours later and I’m still “sick”. I need to write this to maybe find some sense in this.
The more I think about it, though, the more I think it has something to do with menopause.
Chemical imbalance. OY!! Also, the pain in my side could be because of ovulation.. or attempted ovulation.
I didn’t drink my menopause tea today (or this weekend)
This could seriously be part of it!

Hubby has been wonderful but I kicked him out to the CoC. Or rather he asked if he could.. and I’m like, yes.. That’s fine. LOL
Either way, whatever is wrong with me is my journey.

1. I love our home.
a.  but it’s a THING.
b. Now that I don’t have to worry about my son any more, really, what do I need to stress about? Hubby and I can make it through anything. Admittedly, I would love for this to be our forever home and to make all dreams about it, for it, in it, come true, but if that doesn’t happen, is it really worth losing sleep over?

2. I love my job
a. They SAID I can work from home when the weather is bad. Why must I second guess myself? Seriously? Why?
b. If, for some reason, they determine that I cannot work from home and if they need to release me, it’s still, again, not the end of the world.
c.  Seriously, METEOROLOGY SCHOOL!!
d. I still have Sitecore headhunters contacting me. NOT the end of the world.
e. My job is not worth my life.

3. I love my hubby.
a. He has already said he’s with me no matter what and would not leave me if we couldn’t stay here.

Stitches cuddled with me last night. A lot. She was trying to make me feel better and it worked. I love that lil kitty, but I hope my stresses don’t make her sick. She seems fine today, though. I’m sure she is okay. She’s not young anymore tho. I should not be greedy with her healing.

Em

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