Day 25 – The reason I believe I’m still alive today.
Wow, this one is deep for me.
I was adopted at birth. I found out who my bio Mom was on my 18th birthday. (Well, I sent off for my birth certificate that way. Open Records Act in Kansas) A few months later I met my bio mom thanks to my adoptive parents. And then I learned a lot, such as why I dreamt about the road disappearing in front of me as a child (until I was a teen) and likely why I hated riding in the back seat of a vehicle.
Let’s start at the beginning.
First of all, for my bio Mom and Dad, I was a surprise. They were still in high school. But they were going to get married and keep me.
Then, my bio Mom and Dad were in an accident. Bio-Dad was driving a truck. Racing. Apparently the front axel came off and the truck rolled like 8 times or so. Bio-Mom was thrown free and bio-Dad was trapped. He died nearly instantly. (My shrink lady, Leigh Shella, thinks that with my empathy, I picked up on ALL this. Not only the fear of my bio-Mom as the truck rolled and rolled – but likely my bio-Dad’s final moments as well, was picked up by lil ole me in utero. My very first moments in this lifetime were filled with fear and death (and the road disappearing in front of me)! No WONDER I’m all fucked up!
Back to the original question, “why am I still alive”…
Many times in my life there has been things that could have killed me. A train. A falling stone. Water. Driving. Accidents. But first thing is, I believe I’m here for a reason. (Aren’t we all?) There are things I’m meant to do, to experience and to help with. A fate that is in the making specific for my soul.
Also, I believe that I’m alive because my bio-Dad became my guardian angel. ;) Especially while driving the Autobahn, since, he LOVED to drive and race. :) It’s in my blood too, thanks bio-Dad!
In addition, I want to share another belief. I think that there is no reason for suicide because we all have exit points. There are times when accidents can come and take us. My interaction with the train, for example. That train would have killed me. Easily, but I survived. Car accidents and other doors of exit. So, if we are truly ready to give up, we will take our exit and die properly without taking our own lives, but if we suicide, then we were going through what we were meant to go through and preparing to come out on the other side and learn from it, but we gave up. How dare people give up. So much to live for! So much to do! These exit points are if something changes so drastically that we cannot fulfill our soul’s goals. Something has changed and we cannot do it or various other reasons known only to our soul. But I promise you, if we are still alive, we have stuff to do!! I wish I could teach people that!
So, why am I still alive?
1. Because I’ve chosen to be.
2. Because I need to be.
3. Because I’m here for a reason. (who am I to argue with the fates?)
I love my life! :)