My FB status says that I think that after nearly 30 years, a healing and forgiving time is about to begin with my mom….
Definitely with Dad, but if I’m lucky, with Mom too..
Last Thursday, I wrote a blog about my Mom. I was hoping for new enlightenment because of a dream, an insight that I’d had. Enlightenment at it’s best (or worst). My ideas then were different, but there is still a chance. A good chance that there can be forgiveness and healing.
On Saturday, I went to a Psychic fair, and there I found out that what I believed was a problem would not be the answer, even if it was true. Even if my Mom was a natural witch, it wouldn’t change who she was and who I was. It wouldn’t go in the direction I’d hoped.
Today, it took a surprising turn. Not at all what I was expecting.
Let me start with some background. Financially I’m not doing great. Everything was fine till this summer with it’s extreme heat.. which gave me extreme electrical bills. I fell behind on my Debt Consolidation payments.
With the suggestion of the Debt Consolidation company, I switched from the Consolidation to the Settlement (It cut my payment from 490 to 225). Two months later, I was being sued by Citifinancial who refused the settlement.
At wits end, stressing and freaking out, I emailed my parents on Nov 9. I wasn’t sure what kind of answer I expected. I don’t know anything, and until Friday, I didn’t hear anything other than the plans for my son’s Play on Friday Morning. I figured I would have bad news then.
Boy. What a day today was.
I needed to get back to work, but Dad stopped me, he said he wanted to speak with me, so I said okay. We waited for Mom.
And then they let me have it. Dad told me how much I’d hurt him. How much and how often and how horrible. It was stuff I already knew and I apologized. He was in tears. Then he told me how badly I’ve hurt my Mom. How horrible I’ve been to her. Again, I agreed. I didn’t let it become a bash Kris session, though. I took responsibility for what I’ve done. Many of you know how horrible I’ve been, as recent as this year. Until then, I didn’t know that she noticed and more importantly, I didn’t even know she cared. I did not call her for Mother’s Day. I emailed 3 days later and said I hoped she had a great day. Dad? I called for Father’s Day. I didn’t think they’d noticed, but yeah. They both did.
They wanted truths. I was ready. I’m not sure why, but I was.
First thing Mom said was that I hated / resented her for being my adoptive Mother.
I was shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. This was not how I felt. I don’t even recall actually feeling it, just using it. And she thinks to this day that the reason I treat her shitty was because she wasn’t my real Mother. I was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say, but when I did find my tongue, I tried to explain that my issue with her was that she always tried to choose my friends. She never allowed me to be friends with someone who wasn’t rich. These people were not allowed in my home or anything. She doesn’t like Thorik or any of my other choices, except for Michael. I think she loved him because he was military and making a good living. I don’ t know what was different about Michael except he was the first (last and only) man I dated that had short hair.. LOL.. and he had a good, secure job. The US Army. Yeah.
Anyway, I tried to explain that it was her opinion of my friends and I reminded her about what she said about my best friend, Joanne. I wanted Joann to be in my wedding and my Mother told me that if Joann was in the wedding, then Mom would not pay for the wedding. I had to say it twice before she finally admitted to it and said that she just didn’t think that Joanne could behave properly.
Dad informed me that he and Mom knew that Michael and I eloped. Got married early. Michael and I did this to pay for Michael’s part of the wedding. We did NOT do it to hurt them, it didn’t make the wedding mean any less and honestly I didn’t really feel married until our October Wedding. This will have to be discussed at a different time because I don’t think he understood what I was saying. I’m not sure I understand why that hurt so much. I sure as hell hope it wasn’t the money. Dad said he wished he could have been there and would it have been too much trouble. I was really confused by this line of reasoning and thinking. There were 2 people there plus the justice of the peace. Our witnesses, my friend Michelle G and Damon Adamson, from Michael’s unit in the military. There were no guests, there was nothing, just a quick ceremony, silver rings, and we went out to eat before going home. *shrug* I’m sorry that it hurt him, but .. I don’t understand. The big wedding, the main wedding, was the only one that counted. It was the only one that mattered. And it was perfect. We will have to discuss this again.. I must explain my feelings on this sometime.. Somehow.. *sigh* It wasn’t meant bad in anyway, it was simply a necessity..
I’m not remembering this in order. I know there was a point where I was upset and tried to walk away, but Dad gently snagged my arm and pulled me back. Mom walked away and came back numerous times.
During the times Mom had walked away, I learned some truths myself. Dad is one hell of a man, although he won’t admit it. “Your Mom,” he told me, “has been sick the entire time I’ve known her.” and at this I asked a question that I’ve always wanted “Is Mom a hypochondriac?” Dad said no because the Doctors always find something wrong with her. I left it at that. We were talking. REALLY talking, so I wasn’t going to point out that Doctors will always find something wrong with you if they look long and hard enough. *sigh*
Dad did admit it has taken a toll. Dad also admitted that Mom was a control freak and with the Drug Store it made things hard sometimes. It was also spoken aloud my Mom’s opinion on money and having it.
At one point, Dad said that Michael told him that I said “I can’t wait till Mom is dead so that Dad would be free to find a decent person.” Dad asked if that was true. I told him. “Yes sir, it is”.
Dad touched briefly on religion (I said that that was a conversation that we needed to have at a different time and place and “let’s concentrate on US today”. He let it go. We did talk about my son going to Hayden High (a Catholic School). I thought it never would happen, but apparently they are willing to do it, so hells to the ya!! (No, I didn’t say that). He wondered if it would bother me that my son would learn more about Catholicism. I told Dad that I wanted my son to make a well-rounded choice.
Dad also touched briefly on the health of my son and my dislike for antibiotics. I just nodded my head and let that slide too.
My time with Dad, our words, his sadness. It was deep. I told him I admired him for what he’s put up with. I told him that he was an inspiration and how proud I was to have him in my life and more importantly, in my son’s life. I shared and opened my heart to my Dad.
I told my Mom that somehow, someway I was going to prove that my feelings had NOTHING to do with the adoption. I told her that if nothing else, at her life review after she dies, hopefully she will know and she will know my heart and soul and what REALLY upset me. Hopefully she can understand this before then, but otherwise, she will know. She will know my heart. She will understand and… well, at that point I don’t know what I wish. At this point, I just wish for understanding.
There prally won’t be any regrets during this lifetime, but I can still hope for miracles. And I will hope. Look at what has happened just in the past week! So much!!
I told Dad and Mom that I’ve changed. I’m not the same person that I was last year. Definitely not the same person I was when I first asked for a consolidation loan. I’m simply not. I can’t explain .. at least not to them. My new understandings, my new awakenings, my new insights. I’m not sure I can truly put them into words to them. I will try. I definitely plan on trying… who knows, maybe enlightenment will magically cultivate the right words to say.
I truly believe anything is possible at this point. Anything.
Look at how much has changed already!