I have always found healing in writing. Okay, well, I haven’t ALWAYS found it, but once I did, I have always used it.
On Feb 6, I found out I was not really pregnant after all. Pregnant, yes, or so my body thought. But there was no baby. Just a sac. No baby. Again.
I was doing fine. I don’t know what happened today. But something did. Maybe it was just because I’ve had a bad day. Heh, actually, it was just a bad last 10 minutes of the day. Or at least that was the only time I noticed anything. Junior class pix got screwed up because a student (a junior even) forgot to bring the camera back to school. I KNOW I asked this morning about it, but when no one was concerned, I just figured it was in someone’s locker. Nope. All the juniors were called out of classes 5-10 minutes early to have their pix taken. BUT, no camera. And I didn’t find out until it was too late. I didn’t mean to lie to the V.P. but when she came wanting to know what was up, I simply said it was “done”. I guess I’m done. I don’t know what is going to happen. Maybe nothing. But today wasn’t the only day that I’ve been in trouble. I forgot the time and missed a meeting Monday morning. Yup. This week has not been off to a good start.
So, now I wonder if I’m just upset about the happenings this week, or if my miscarriage and concluding D&C is finally catching up to me. I really don’t know. My husband went to SCA fighter practice. I finally put my boy down for the night. I just feel mechanical. I didn’t want to eat, (I did a little) and now I finally got off my butt to write this. I want to drink alcohol, but I don’t want the headache afterwards. I’m prally smoking too much, but the only thing that does is make my chest hurt. So someday I’m going to die of lung cancer. Goddess I hope not. I hope I can stop smoking soon.
So, now I sit here. Alone. Trying to put my feelings into words.
I also feel like I strayed away from the Goddess. Not that I don’t believe anymore, but I haven’t completed a ritual in months. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I miss Germany. Maybe it is not so much of missing the place, but missing my ritual grove and the doctors who were with me through my first two losses. I just feel all alone. Lonely. There is that commercial on TV that talks about how everyone wants to be alone sometimes, but no one wants to be lonely. I am lonely. I am longing for something, and I don’t know what. Stability, maybe. It would be nice to know that I had a job that would have me around forever. My old job really made me doubt myself, sometimes. Sometimes I am strong, other times I am not.
It doesn’t really matter right now. My husband is finishing college, then he is back in the military as an officer. Until then, he is in the National Guard. I may not be staying here anyway. I was living here thinking that I was building my future, planning a home, etc. and now it seems that that is going to change too. I used to like change. What has changed about me that I am uncomfortable with it now? Is it because the changes happened all at once? Maybe. I think that may be a big part of it, actually. First, we planned for a baby, then there was none. Meanwhile, my husband was truly considereing going back into the military, and now he has. As a cadet in ROTC, but that is all the same to me. I am going to be an officer’s wife. At one time, the thought gave me pleasure. Now, I don’t know what the future will bring. Maybe that is hitting me too. I’m scared. I’m all alone. And I’m lonely.
Don’t you just love the dark depressions winter brings?