dj was a fucker last night. I so totally want him out of my life.. *sigh* I need it to be his last day, September 23rd so that I can move on with my life. He now thinks I purposefully went into this “relationship” to hurt him. Since it was so late, I started doubting myself. He’s really fucking with my mind, and then I realized that… I got even more pissed. I never ever have intentionally tried to hurt someone (well, maybe a couple times when someone hurt someone I cared for deeply and I wanted revenge.. I’m working on that though.. especially since Heartland Fest) So, I was awake too late, couldn’t sleep well. What a bastard. I’m prally gonna get my butt to sleep early tonight.. at least that’s the plan. *sigh* Yeah, he’s coming tonight for his midweek visit. Less than 2 months. Less than 2 months.
I also gotta remember that he’s a man and he must put blame somewhere.. even though I came out and said we’d never have anything together, I should have just ended it a long time ago. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I was weak, I guess. He did help me tremendously, financially and around the house… goddess I’m a stupid sucker. I know my history and how things generally happen. I’ve seen it before. I just thought that he was a grown (old) man who knew what he was getting into because of his life history with women and fuck buddies. I never dreamt that he would stick around long enough for me to hate him. I never ever thought that at all! :(
So, even though I lied to him last night, it may be lies that he needed to actually move on with his life. The lies make me ugly though. They are full of things that are not true about me. They are full of things he has accused me of, and I just went along with it to make him feel better. What does that make me? In the same position I was in when I agreed to that “contract” except now it is my personality that he is being told lies about. He wants/needs to believe everything was all my fault (why are men like that?) so now I don’t know if I should clear it up with truths or let it lie. I want to let it lie. I know which are lies and which are truth. I know it, but does he know it? Does he need to know it? Hell, would he BELIEVE me? I doubt he would believe me, so it would be pointless, another goddamn argument. More fighting. Just to stand up for myself? It’s not a win / win situation. Everyone interprets things differently. I remember that from Tracy and my ex as well. It’s a whole other universe that people can live in sometimes.. (Frightening, isn’t it) and I’m not sure the real truth ever does shine through for everyone. Minds work differently. People believe what they want to believe, so.. it really is pointless.
If he keeps pushing the point, however, I will probably reneg. I’m sick of him telling me I should have told him. Yeah. I should have. I should have told him when I left my old job that it was over, but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have let him come back those times I ended it because of my anger, but I felt sorry for him.. and I still needed his help. But now, the need for help is outweighed by my discomfort, by my own self-esteem. It’s time to take care of myself and my son without help. So I may fuck up my credit until I get a second job or until my ex pays me back for those loans. Credit isn’t so important. Yeah. I’m proud of myself for getting it straightened up. I have the best credit history I’ve had in my entire life (except when I first started I suppose.. LOL) and I’m proud of that.. but is it really that important? I dunno.
Time to figure out me. Time to move on and make things work on my own. Time to be a full-time mom and time to be myself.
I can do this, right?
Nelson: Mornin love.
Nelson: Did you get some sleep last night?
Em: very little you bastard
Em: and I sure as hell better get sleep tonight
Em: or your midweek visits are over
Em: I’m pissed at my self for lowering myself to your level
Em: and i’m pissed at you for putting me into the situation where I felt I needed to
Nelson: I wanted to stop a lot earlier. Your the one who kept going.
Em: you always gotta blame me
Em: fine you old fart if that’s what you need continue
Em: but I’m sure that I will get to the point that I”m sick of that bullshit
Nelson: I’m not blaming you, just saying I wanted to stop sooner.
Em: uh huh
Em: always something
Em: “I” this and “I” that
Em: you try to hold yourself above the situation, but you are the one who created this swamp
Nelson: Give it a break, please.
Em: yeah
Em: tryin
Em: but lack of sleep and self-hate for the bullshit I spouted last night makes it difficult
Nelson: None of that was necessary last night.
Nelson: You didn’t want to say it and I didn’t want to hear it.
Nelson: Yes we will get some sleep tonight.
Nelson: I’m just not going to say anything any more until the right time. No interjections and then not following up. I didn’t know it bothered you that much. I guess I didn’t know I was doing that.
Em: And it was so full of lies… things that are not true about me.
Em: And it’s exactly what you think of me.
Em: ANd that’s what I hate most is I won’t ever in this lifetime ever be able to change your mind.
Em: I’m beating my head against a wall and I have no idea why I care enough to try to make things easier for you…
Em: and that, in and of itself, should prove to you what kind of person I am.. but it doesn’t…
Nelson: No, I realize all that last night was mostly bull shit but I wanted to let you get it out of your system
Em: so I’m screwed…. I need to just give up, let you think what you must, and just get through these next 2 months of hell
Nelson: I know know that you really did care for me. Gladdens my heart and soul.
Em: Last night was stream-of-conscious of how you make me feel about myself
Em: it was how I see myself through your eyes
Nelson: Doesn’t have to be be. We don’t need to do that now.
Em: I don’t LIKE who I am through your eyes
Nelson: That is not how I view you and you know it.
Em: no. no I don’t know it
Em: You come out and tell me that I purposefully hurt you. ON PURPOSE
Nelson: I still have a great love for you and I don’t want you like that.
Em: as if it was the only goal I had ever
Em: had
Nelson: No. You said that long ago that you just needed to hurt me to make me stop.
Em: there were no goals. there were no plan. there was nothing except living in the moment
Em: if anything “Living in the moment” is ALL that I am guilty of
Nelson: And thats what I want to do now. Love in the moment.
Nelson: I meant live in the moment.
Em: to make you stop loving me, yeah… I did reach that point. I’m at that point.
Nelson: You never will, ever. That last night was just bull shit
Em: I tried everything to get you to go away on your own, but it didn’t work. So, now, by giving you a deadline, and our other fights, I had to hurt you.
Nelson: Well stop. I am leaving. So please stop hurting me and yourself.
Em: because i finally realized you wouldn’t go away as long as you were happy and content.
Em: or hopeful
Nelson: Please stop. Lets just be happy and content with the time left. There is no reason to do what we did last night.
Nelson: I’m definitely not hopeful.
Nelson: The only hope I have is that we remain strong friends and that we enjoy each other the rest of the way.
Em: go to work
Nelson: Yeah, you too. Lets just put all this shit aside and relax and go for the moment.
Damn… So, with all said, do you feel like you got anything through to him?? By your conversations (this one and the one before it) it doesn’t seem so… What do you think?
)))hug(((
I think I’m sick of his shit…
but basement is moving forward and he is out of here on Sept 23rd.
So… I’ll hang tough….
He’s been a bit more relaxed since then, so we’ll see…
*hugs*
Thanks for the hugs…
*hugs*
Thanks Niles…
*huggles* back