• Sat. Jun 22nd, 2024

Horrendous night.

Aug 1, 2007

dj was a fucker last night. I so totally want him out of my life.. *sigh* I need it to be his last day, September 23rd so that I can move on with my life. He now thinks I purposefully went into this “relationship” to hurt him. Since it was so late, I started doubting myself. He’s really fucking with my mind, and then I realized that… I got even more pissed. I never ever have intentionally tried to hurt someone (well, maybe a couple times when someone hurt someone I cared for deeply and I wanted revenge.. I’m working on that though.. especially since Heartland Fest) So, I was awake too late, couldn’t sleep well. What a bastard. I’m prally gonna get my butt to sleep early tonight.. at least that’s the plan. *sigh* Yeah, he’s coming tonight for his midweek visit. Less than 2 months. Less than 2 months.

I also gotta remember that he’s a man and he must put blame somewhere.. even though I came out and said we’d never have anything together, I should have just ended it a long time ago. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I was weak, I guess. He did help me tremendously, financially and around the house… goddess I’m a stupid sucker. I know my history and how things generally happen. I’ve seen it before. I just thought that he was a grown (old) man who knew what he was getting into because of his life history with women and fuck buddies. I never dreamt that he would stick around long enough for me to hate him. I never ever thought that at all! :(

So, even though I lied to him last night, it may be lies that he needed to actually move on with his life. The lies make me ugly though. They are full of things that are not true about me. They are full of things he has accused me of, and I just went along with it to make him feel better. What does that make me? In the same position I was in when I agreed to that “contract” except now it is my personality that he is being told lies about. He wants/needs to believe everything was all my fault (why are men like that?) so now I don’t know if I should clear it up with truths or let it lie. I want to let it lie. I know which are lies and which are truth. I know it, but does he know it? Does he need to know it? Hell, would he BELIEVE me? I doubt he would believe me, so it would be pointless, another goddamn argument. More fighting. Just to stand up for myself? It’s not a win / win situation. Everyone interprets things differently. I remember that from Tracy and my ex as well. It’s a whole other universe that people can live in sometimes.. (Frightening, isn’t it) and I’m not sure the real truth ever does shine through for everyone. Minds work differently. People believe what they want to believe, so.. it really is pointless.

If he keeps pushing the point, however, I will probably reneg. I’m sick of him telling me I should have told him. Yeah. I should have. I should have told him when I left my old job that it was over, but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have let him come back those times I ended it because of my anger, but I felt sorry for him.. and I still needed his help. But now, the need for help is outweighed by my discomfort, by my own self-esteem. It’s time to take care of myself and my son without help. So I may fuck up my credit until I get a second job or until my ex pays me back for those loans. Credit isn’t so important. Yeah. I’m proud of myself for getting it straightened up. I have the best credit history I’ve had in my entire life (except when I first started I suppose.. LOL) and I’m proud of that.. but is it really that important? I dunno.

Time to figure out me. Time to move on and make things work on my own. Time to be a full-time mom and time to be myself.

I can do this, right?


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