I sent Thorik an email last night:

Denise came over…
It was an interesting evening…

First, I must release you from my deadline of May…. The cards say it could be a bit longer than that and that you are worth the wait.. so, no more deadline. I will do my best to be strong.

You must finish your “debt” to your daughter. You more than likely will be unable to leave until you are absolutely certain that she is okay. Pure and simple. Your connection to her traverses back at least one lifetime, perhaps more. If you move here before she is self-reliant, you will never forgive yourself and perhaps never forgive me. Plus, it will cause contention for us all.

I hope that during this time, you can find ways to make it maybe once a month for visits. If not that, hopefully every six or seven weeks or so.. something, anything to keep our relationship alive and more than virtual. You will NOT miss work to do this. That causes you too much stress and is dangerous for you eventually moving here.

Second, once we are truly able to be together, things will be great. It will be worth the wait… we just have to survive until then. *small smile*

Finally, stop stressing about fucking money, okay? *hug*
Once your family situation is resolved, you will be able to get back on track with your life and your dreams will be realized. Right now, your thoughts must be focused on Courtney. I must stop being selfish. I am very sorry for the hell I’ve put you through.

I love you.
I’m writing this now that it’s fresh.. also, I may not have the guts to write and send this later…

*hugs* and love,

—-
Where did this come from?
Well, as the first line of the email stated, Denise came over. And she read cards.

The cards told me what I had already suspected… (and yes, that makes the whole reading up for debate, but that’s a whole other story)

My uncertainty, my desire to push and to be in control, my lack of patience, that is what I should look at. Not necessarily the results of the reading, but how it affects me and what I should and should not do.

It is definitely apparent that I like control. (DUH!) and that I have no patience. (again DUH).

I need to learn these things and others similar. Not just to have a successful relationship with John, but in life as well.. so no matter if the reading doesn’t play out as it now says, I still need to learn these qualities. I need to accept what I cannot change… I need to wait…

There are so many cliche’s. Good things come to those who wait. Patience is a virtue. etc. And I hate them. I hate not having patience too… so I guess this is a self-test. Thorik will be worth it, but it will take time. Up to a year, even. That is very daunting. Very. And frightening. But supposedly worth it.

But the way I gotta look at it is that it will be worth it in so many more ways. I will know more in a year. Kevin will be older. My ex will have returned from Iraq. My son will have a new half brother with my ex and his new wife. So many things… It will also be two years that I have had the same job. That in and of itself is something I can be proud of. Maybe even bills will be back under control… A couple fears that are along different lines will also occur. My first ex, TJ, may be moving to Topeka. I wanted Thorik here to help me deal with that, but perhaps it is more wise to deal with it on my own. If TJ sees me not wanting him around even though there isn’t a noticeable man in my life, he will hopefully move on with his own and leave me alone. Another fear is that Denny will figure it out and try to jump back in my life. I don’t want either… and I know I am strong enough to make it through no matter what.

Yeah, I’m probably gonna have to build up my walls again, at least a little bit. I need only rely on myself.

Apparently, Thorik has a connection with his step-daughter in at least one of his past lives. He has a debt to her that must be paid. He needs to make certain she gets on her feet and becomes self-reliant and able to survive on her own.

The cards also said there was nothing to worry about with Thorik’s ex, which I knew already. :) She and I have become friends and I think she will help me through all this. Perhaps I will be able to help her as well.. time will tell..

Thorik is extremely worried about money. (Prally my fault in a way. I don’t want to financially support anyone ever again.. and I’ve told him that). Of course, it is posible he was worried before me, but I added to it. I must stop that. The cards also said that once we are able to be together, things will just fall into place. It showed happiness and security, financial and otherwise.

Two cards came up, The Emporor and a Page, old and young souls. Denise was not certain who they were representing. I threw out some thoughts, but they weren’t Denny or my ex… or my son. It isn’t even certain what role they play.. they were just there.

Denny did come up, mostly saying he is the hanged man. We didn’t follow up on it, but obviously, it is going to be a while before he truly gets on with his life.

The key to my love is how well he gets along with my son. One of the things that I love in him is the thing that will keep us apart for a while, his love for his step-daughters. This love he will extend to my son and be a good male role-model for my son and care for him as if he were his own. My son already cares about him… ;)

So… I need to learn patience. I need to stay strong and not give up, but I now know, for certain, what my instincts were telling me when Thorik’s daughter went into the hospital. I was trying to deny it. I was trying to push him, but it is no longer an option. I cannot make him choose between her and me. Whatever choice he would make would do anyone any good. I need to release him from feeling he must chose. He needs to finish up there before he can ever truly be here and we can be happy together.

This sucks, but I’ll survive. The goddess wouldn’t throw anything at me that I couldn’t survive and I have known for years that I need to learn patience and give up some control over everything. I wil make it through and eventually it will all be worth it.