This is my own private experiences. I’m keeping this separate because my other one, is more like a review. This is my personal enlightenment and thoughts from the Goddess Gathering.
My spiritual growth during GGG is something I want to blog about. To remember. To share.
We’ll start off with the Talking with the Goddess session.
This was presented by Diane Edmiston of Angelic Vibrations. (Wow, just noticed if you google Diane Edmiston, my blog page comes up as #5 on the page!! How cool is that? )
Yes, I was hoping for a message. No, I, nor anyone I was with, received an official message. I’m too full of myself to expect so, but then again, I feel that I’m on my right path or the good things that have been happening (free pass to GGG, etc) would not be happening. People come into my life, I help them, they move on, I move on and grow from the experience.
One thing that always bothered me about Stephen King’s The Stand was how Mother Abigail was “punished” for being too full of herself. For “sins through pride”, she loses her ability to communicate with “God” and “goes into exile in the wilderness” as punishment. She recovers her ability in time to save MOST of the town, but not all, and some of my favorite characters. So, “God” punishes for pride, but I do not believe that the goddess / the universe / the pagan gods punish us for that kind of pride. Maybe not for any kind of pride in and of itself. I like being able to help people and I like the feeling I get after I do so. It’s addicting and makes me want to help even more. I do not believe I will be punished for enjoying what I do!! That aspect of the Stand always bewildered me.
Diane started with a message to all of us at GGG
The introduction, the main words of wisdom that supposedly she heard prior to coming out and had written up was a waste. It was the usual pep talk to make everyone feel good and it felt forced and very likely she uses the same introduction for each presentation she gives. You can tell this because it had extreme Christian overtones and the Angles and Virgin Mary / Magdalene were a huge part. It had words that would work in any situation at any time and place and there was nothing in it that made it specific to the Gaea Gathering. Perhaps leaving that tidbit out mighta been a better idea. (I’m harsh, I know, but it’s what I felt). It almost turned me off to the whole show.
Then she started taking and delivering messages. Some messages were met with understanding, some were not. I enjoyed the blank stare of two good friends as the message seemed to either be untruth or not for them. It was odd, an Diane continued sharing the message, as if hoping there would be an Ah HA moment. There was not, at least not one visible. I did not ask as it was none of my business and I did not know the ladies in question.
There was one success story, though, that I felt through and through and even had to reiterate what was told to her. Perhaps there are times that the goddess speaks through me.. like with my Tarot. Sometimes I just have to tell someone something.. just an urge, if that make sense. Anyway, as always, the issue I have is that people take money for these things. Yes, sometimes people do listen and learn more if they PAY for it, but to immediately assume that everyone is that way is just not right. Messages from the gods / goddesses should be free. Tarot should be free. I have a gift and I will share it, for free. For PPD, I have taken donations, but that went towards a good cause.
Later I went to SHIFT. I was wary about this, not only because of the heat but because it seemed like an advertisement for upcoming workshop that these ladies were creating. Since I am a sensitive person and I was curious, I went. They did utilize it as a plug for their new program, but they, too, were sensitive enough that they did share helpful information because the rest of us expected it.
I always wondered why I hated shopping… and at the same time, I didn’t really care.. I didn’t feel anything was missing from my life since I didn’t like shopping. LOL I’m more of a tomboy, always have been. But then during the discussion they talked about the feelings of being overwhelmed in public areas. Malls, Wal-Mart, busy places. Yeah! That’s me. When I gotta go shopping, I want to get in and get out. I don’t want to peruse, I don’t want to mingle or window shop, I want OUT!! And the longer I’m in, the worse it gets. I just want to get OUT, dammit. And the sensation of wanting out and being closed in gets worse and worse. I notice it more as I’ve gotten older. It wasn’t so bad as a teen / college kid, cuz we’d go in together and sometimes we’d even have a buzz. *blush*
As a mom, there’s necessary things I gotta purchase. As a proper member of society, there are things *I* need, so I’m stuck with shopping. At least now I understand why I don’t like doing it, and why I get grumpier and grumpier if I can’t find what I need quickly. Clothing shopping for me is hell unless I find something right away. I’ve gone shopping for particular pants and stuff before, and after 3 hours of hell, I would come home empty handed, drained and miserable. It was pure hell.
It all makes sense now.
The night of the concert, I had two urges from the goddess … instincts that told me I had to talk to two people.
One was the lady from the Talking to the Goddess session. I had to find her and speak with her. Once I found her, she was actually alone and I was able to approach her. I introduced myself and asked her if she was the lady from the class. She affirmed it and I informed her that I was just told to come reiterate what was spoken there and in particular to tell her she was beautiful and that she needed to believe in that more. She needed to practice looking in the mirror and telling herself she loved herself. We chatted for a while, realized we grew up near each other and likely played volleyball against each other. Such a delightfully small world!!
Next, there was another lady I needed to speak with. She was from the SHIFT class. I had seen her prior to the class and had been… cold-shouldered by her.. or so I believed. At the class, I saw a whole different person, but for a mere 24 hour period, I was “scared” of her and felt that she had pushed me and everyone else away from her.
I went over to her and sat next to her and said HI! I was in the SHIFT class and I need to tell you something. And I told her that she scared me. Her eyes got wide. I said when I first saw you… you scared me. You pushed me away and it felt like you pushed everyone away. I know now, from the class, that you were just protecting yourself, but I wanted you to know how you are seen by strangers. I told her I loved her and that it would be okay, but I was supposed to tell her these things. It was a tough conversation, but I gave her a big hug when the concert was ready to start again.
Okay, now for the deeply personal aspects and my growth.
First: Some Background:
Sometime in the recent past (date escapes me more than a year, less than 3) I was chatting with a young lady whom I’ve known since she was a child. She is a young adult now, a teen ager and is on FB. We chatted off and on about nothing and everything. I never thought twice. Her father and stepmother are great friends of mine and even came to my handfasting. They were all family and I loved them dearly.
One afternoon, I noticed that this young lady’s default image was changed to a famous, good looking female rock star. I commented to her in a private message, asking if she was bi. Never thinking twice, never worried, I used to be a teacher and now I’m a mom, for goddess sake! I was curious and wanted to let her know that if she needed to talk, she could always turn to me. (And with these recent outbreaks of suicide, maybe MORE people need to be available and non-judgmental about such discussions). Her stepfather apparently is hacking her account and found our conversation. He immediately emailed me, threatened me and told me to stay away from his step daughter, basically calling me a pervert. I was devastated. No, worse than devastated. Astounded, flabbergasted, hurt and for quite a long time, destroyed.
I immediately emailed her Father and stepMom. I shared the entire conversation and basically cried to them via email. They seemed upset but not overly so. I believe (and now I know) that they knew I was not that type of person, yet, there was custody issues, etc. and that one simple conversation made things even harder for them. (They were also not legally married yet, but had been together for a while, they were in the middle of planning their handfasting / wedding.)
By this time, it was late at night, and I feared that I wouldn’t get an email in response, but I did. It was helpful enough that I was able to sleep that night. Further conversations were brief and for a long time I didn’t know what was going on. I never heard any more, the young lady’s stepfather had blocked me and there was silence.
In my day to day life, it never was an issue. I no longer work with students. I thank the goddess for this because I look back and doubt so much of what I’ve done. I KNOW what I feel and I KNOW that my students have always been children to me and nothing more. Even once they reached adulthood, they were still my kids. The thought of anything more was (and still is) totally GROSS! I had a student tell me a few years ago that he had had a crush on me. I had been clueless!! And even though he is a handsome young man, yuck. No offense, but he was my KID and I taught him and he trusted me. YUCK! *cries* (Will never understand a teacher that violates a child so.. ever, young or adult).
I thought of it in passing, here and there, but never strongly. I really don’t hang out with children. Then, at GGG, I met a delightful young lady, my son’s age, and we chatted at the fire. In full view of public, mother right there, normal people having a normal conversation. But the memory ATE at me. Instead of enjoying the innocent conversation, I was terrified. What if. How could they think that? What if they did too? What do I need to change about my life so that no one would dare think that again. It was debilitating and crippling. Soon, I excused myself and went back to camp and immediately to bed.
The next day, I shared my story with Crow. She was understanding and helpful. It was a release of sorts. She told me that the experience should not haunt me so and that I need to let it go.
That night, the very young lady about whom all this transgressed, came up to me at the fire and said, “Hi Kris!” OMG!!!
I said hello, asked her how she was doing, did the polite stuff and then excused myself and ran away. Fortunately, Crow just happened to be traveling down the road by the ritual firepit and I ran to her. She could tell I was terrified! She hugged me tight and I told her, that girl, the one I had just told her about earlier that day, was THERE at GGG with her Mom!! OMG!! Crow’s advice was to call it a night and go back to camp. That was exactly what I was thinking, so I did. It made for a restless night, but, I did it.
For the rest of the event, I stayed out of her way. She would still come up to me, and I would chat politely and then excuse myself.
Finally on the last day, when I was packing up, I discovered who her mother was. Interestingly, she was someone who had tried to help herself to our camp, our fire, our food and ultimately, our delicious chocolate desert. She had been feeding her baby sweets the entire weekend, complained about how badly her tent leaked and basically went around looking for handouts. This is just mild and what I saw. I will not gossip the stories about her I had heard prior to knowing who she was. Yeah. Weird huh.
I took pity on this young lady as she was tearing down her tent. She couldn’t get some of the tent stakes out of the ground, so I went over and pulled out a couple, but there was one that was stuck “Don’t BREAK IT” she told me. I gave up on the stuck one at that point, and handed her the ones I managed to pull from the ground but she did thank me. I thought nothing of it until a few more trips up to my vehicle with my stuff and there was the young lady! She talked to me, played with the baby that we’d seen all weekend, and just acted like we were the best of friends. Each time I brought up a load, she would tell me stuff, about her lil sibling, about he dad and stepMom, etc. Finally, she came out and said my name once and at that point I knew that her mother knew who I was. Interesting. She didn’t know who I was either! The games children play… Yet nothing happened. They finished up and left and I eventually did too.
As soon as I realized who it was, I ran to Crow. I was like “OMG That lady, you know, the one who mooches and kept asking for stuff? The one you got weird vibes about? That’s HER!! That’s the mother!!” I was shocked.
You see, in one weekend, I went from the realization at how much the experience had changed me, to a plan to prevent it from happening again, to realizing I never had anything to worry about but acknowledging that my lesson was learned. The goddess worked on me that weekend, preparing me for something, or so Crow and I believe, and made certain I had the tools to handle it. I am meant to help people and apparently I will be helping people of all ages, however, I need to be cautious about how I help underage kids. Yeah, I learned my lesson. It was taught so well and so perfectly. Highs and lows, but what better way to have it ingrained in you forever. I will never forget.
You may wonder why I shared this. It is deeply personal and I have bared my soul to you. You see, though, I have done nothing wrong. I never did anything wrong. Until this happened, I never thought twice about stuff. I learned a valuable lesson from Crow. I learned that I needed to open the door, but never to ask leading questions. The door can be open but if they make the first contact, nothing I have done or said can be held against me.
I will not forget and I now am stronger and have more tools to help me do what I am meant to do. Help people!
Fascinatingly enough, my horoscope for today states:
Taurus Daily Horoscope
You may enjoy feelings of inner security, contentment, and new found hope today. Perhaps you have been feeling more optimistic about your future because of new plans you’ve set in motion, or you might be experiencing deeper emotional connections and a stronger network of support from loved ones. Though these feelings seem to be caused by outside stimuli, they are likely the result of your own thoughts and beliefs. A great way to keep this energy going is to consciously practice being grateful, optimistic, and self-confident. You could also spend some time engaging in creative visualization to develop a strong, positive vision for your life and relationships today. The more energy you devote to this vision, the more likely it is to manifest in a lasting physical form.
Strengthening our mind-set by focusing on optimism, abundance, and confidence can help us feel more positive about our lives and relationships. It may seem that we only occasionally experience periods of great hope, joy, and inspiration. In truth, we can feel this way most of the time by learning to harness the power of our thoughts. Fostering a mind-set of happiness, abundance, gratitude, and confidence will automatically begin drawing these circumstances into our lives. Feeling joyful and happy are not random occurrences because they are beautiful creations of our making. By empowering yourself and maintaining a positive mind-set today, you will create beneficial circumstances in your life that will make you feel good.
There was one other aspect of GGG that I wanted to share. I was asked to join a group. Not a coven, just a learning group, and I’ve never been so honored in my entire life. Sadly, they live a bit of a ways away from me, but just to have been asked… truly touched my heart. I hope that I can make it to some of their get-togethers. It really sounds like they have fun!