It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being

I must refuse “to be beholden to someone else’s expectations” any longer. It’s time to let go and be my own adult.

So, these shoes. Did I mention the shoes already? *sigh*

I guess it all stemmed from the shoes. My parents bought my son shoes that lit up. A lot. He’s 9 years old, btw. So, when I saw them I was shocked. You see, when I was a kid, my parents bought stuff and made me wear stuff that got me made fun of constantly.

I was worried that the same would happen to my son. Over my dead body will my parents do anything like that to my son. Fortunately, there has not been any signs of that, however, my parents are extremely pissed about my reaction. My mother whispered stuff to my son all night (telling him that I was not being reasonable and that his shoes were cool. — He told me later that he knew I thought they were cool and that everything was okay, but my parents would not listen to him. Big surprise there as well.)

So.. by the end of the evening, it was difficult to say the least. I hugged my parents before we left and said I love you.

They said nothing in return.

I receive an email from my Father later:

From:	Dad
Sent:	Wed 8/19/09 10:54 AM

I didn’t respond.

So, a couple weeks goes by. I invite my dad to join the office football pool since it’s online.

His email simply said

“I think I’ll pass.
Thanks, Dad”

for the first time in forever, he did not sign it “Love, Dad”

And I was surprised about how much that fucking hurt. As many of you know, I could care less about my mom. But this really hurt coming from my dad. My daddy. Doesn’t love me anymore. OMG.

Why does it hurt???
Why do I care?
Hence the link to a previous blog.. to a site called DailyOm… which is so fitting oh so often.. *sigh*

btw, I emailed him back and asked him:

If I go see a shrink, will you love me again?

Haven’t heard back….

Oh, and for amusement:

A friend of mine read the email from my father and added possible responses in blue:

Subject: favorite ice cream

Thanks, Dad!

Em-  I just checked e-mail and found your son’s picture.  Thanks!  Hope he has a great year!!!  You are welcome!
Em, I thought your behavior last evening in the hall concerning your son’s shoes was completely uncalled for and “very rude.”  Huh, how did I ever get this way?

Do you treat him this way all the time?  Sure, Dad, every chance I get.  You know what a horrible parent I am—again, how did I get this way? Hmmm….

He was very hurt, as he was so proud of his new shoes and wanted to show them to you.  He did. I saw. I commented.

He will wear them, until the peer pressure forces him to hate them, so I gave him permission in advance to eliminate the hassle.  He doesn’t have to wear them if he doesn’t want to.  If he likes them, and doesn’t get beat up over them, great. God bless us everyone.

He had done nothing wrong and to be treated that way just wasn’t right!  I always tell my son the truth. If that isn’t right, then I glad I’m wrong.

You shouldn’t take your “dislike for us” out on your son. We did help him pick out the shoes, so you should have blamed us.  I do blame you, but you don’t listen. You hit delete. No opinion matters but your own.  So be it.

I don’t know how this type of behavior will affect him in the future.  He’ll probably grow up to be as warped as me, and in need of counsel. Happens to lots of people. Maybe we can get a group rate when he is a teenager.

He has so much potential, and hope he doesn’t use it in the wrong way.  Potential usually denotes positive, so using it in the wrong way, would be a negative? My son will learn as most kids do, and at some point, he won’t listen to anyone but his peers anyway.  Potential will come and go throughout his life, and what he chooses to do with it, will probably stem from what shoes he wore as a kid?

I feel your need for counseling continues.  Of course you do.  I don’t behave as you, therefore something must be wrong with me.  All in good time, Dad, all in good time.

In the meantime, as all bad Mothers do, I am encouraging my child to be his own person, verbalize his emotions, express himself clearly and not take any guff from anyone who thinks they are better than him.  There will be days when he loves me, days when he hates me, and he will be allowed to express both.  I’m sure I won’t like his behavior at times, but you can be sure of one thing—I will always love him, and tell him so.  And occasionally, when all is well with the world, we’ll go get my son’s favorite ice cream, and laugh about those shoes
Dad

P.S.  You do not need to respond to this e-mail, as I will delete it unread .  Didn’t need to, but did anyway…so delete already.