• Sun. Sep 24th, 2023

So, what the hell is WRONG with me?

Sep 20, 2006

1.    Stressed about Kevin.
2.    Stressed about my job. (Why can’t I get a new one… okay, so I’ve only had one interview, but I’ve applied for a few!)
3.    Emotions screwy.
4.    Anti-social and reclusive.
5.    Alone but not lonely. (Much)
6.    Escaping into books. (Hey, at least it ain’t drugs or alcohol!)
7.    Caught in an endless loop (CTL ALT DEL not working).
8.    Stagnating.
9.    Depressed? Some may think so. Perhaps it is true. I honestly don’t know.
10. Stuck in a relationship where I’m loved but not returning that particular emotion. And he won’t take no for an answer.

I’m gonna talk about #10 for a while.
Yes, I know what I need to do.  Show him the door. Whether or not he believes it is for his own good, it is. He wants to do so much (travel, etc.) but I have Kevin and I have responsibilities. He is 60 years old (and has fixed my plumbing, my roof, other odds and ends, is currently fixing my electrical issues in my home and will help me with my basement remodeling. (Is it remodeling when it is unfinished? Hell, never even started? Never mind.)
So, yeah, I’m using him. But when I tell him that I am using him, he doesn’t care. As long as I let him come over and spend time, he will. I’ve told him I will never have feelings for him, certainly not in the way he wants it, but he doesn’t care and he keeps hoping I will change. It won’t change. He is sooo different than me. My best friend from college says he is the most normal guy I’ve ever had around me… but I guess I don’t want normal. Love her to death, but normal to her is not normal to me.

So, I’m stuck. I’ve told him that if I meet someone who clicks (SPARKS) it will be the end for us, but he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do. I think he is my biggest issue, but then, I DO need my basement done. Soon.

I guess I need to decide what I can do something about and what I cannot.

I can do something about him, so why don’t I? And how will I do it if I do decide to? How will I make him listen? Damn. Fuck buddies are NOT supposed to fall in love, goddamnit! Men.


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