Why won’t he hear? I don’t love him. I will never love him.
He gets freaky just when I think he’s settle into a friendship and then we are back to resetting the goddamn rules.
I need to just be a bitch and tell him sianara. But. I don’t want to kill him. He calls me his life. I don’t want to be his life. I only wanted to be his friend. Yes, for a while it was a friend with benefits, but I fucked up and allowed him to think it was more. Well, no.. I never allowed it. It happened and I cannot control his feelings. I should have said goodbye then, but I didn’t.. and then I left Heartland, where we worked together and I thought it would die a natural death, but it did not. It has been a year since I left and he is still trying to be a huge part of my life.
We are having that discussion again. (How many times has it been now? I’ve lost count.)
No. I don’t love you. No, I will never love you. You need to move on with your life and find someone who can do all the things you want to do and love you as you deserve. *sigh*
But it doesn’t work. He keeps telling me he doesn’t want anyone else. He wants me. He loves me. He can take such good care of me. Someday I will realize how good he is for me.
I even said ”
You are my friend. You will always be my friend, but someday, one of us isn’t going to be able to handle this unbalanced relationship and we will have to go our separate ways.”
I just don’t know what to do!!!
Hell, I can’t even say that. I know what I need to do.. I just… am not strong enough to do it.. or.. I’m not ready… or… I HATE breaking people’s hearts. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want him to move on. I want him to find someone who will love him back.
You know.. I lost someone cuz of him. A very nice young man whose company I enjoyed. He dropped off the face of the earth when I couldn’t give him more time. I miss him more than I thought I would. I miss his friendship and I miss his hugs… and this happened because I couldn’t put my foot down. I was scared too, I wasn’t ready to care about someone. I’m not sure I’m ready now. But this guy, this young man, was closer to what I want.. closer than anyone I’d met in a long time, and I fucked it up… (not that I had a fighting chance.. when he dropped me, it was hard.. he completely disappeared. Didn’t text, didn’t call, didn’t email. Just. Nothing. I wonder if he’ll ever read this….. Hell, I wonder if he’d even know that I was talking about him. *sigh* Yet another relationship that ends without any closure.. and it’s my own damn fault.)
I was unable to explore that option properly.. and now I miss it.. or does it just come down to wanting what you can’t have or don’t have any more? Is that what I’m doomed to? Wanting what I can’t have?
I’m looking for the perfect someone. Someone like me but not totally like me. Someone I can have good conversations with, but someone that doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Someone I can be myself with and not have to be something I’m not.
Yeah.. movies and books interests are important to me. Very very important. I want someone who has read some of the same books (not necessarily ALL! I want to be able to share NEW things with them) and watched some of the same movies.. at least have the same movie and book interests. I realize that two people should not be completely the same.. that would never work.. but SOME similarities is nice. The same interests. No completely different religious beliefs… with no room for compromise. I want a partner. I want a lover who understands me.
Is there someone out there for me?