Nelson: And Right now, I’m staying away. I don’t want the wrath of em on me.
Em: good
Nelson: Did you ever check to see if our convo was still on Yahoo?
Em: yeah.. but it isn’t easily pulled.
Em: why didn’t YOU post it?
Nelson: My puter screwed up and I had to reboot.
Em: ah
Nelson: I wanted to. There was a lot you said that was true about our situation and I wanted to remember.
Nelson: Never mind, I remember enough.
Em: like what?
Nelson: Ok, heres a question for you. When Michael finally moved all of his stuff from Tracys, did he get any of his tools? I’d like to know if he got his miter saw cause I need to borrow it to make the bar and wine rack.
Em: yesterday, right?
Nelson: Yep.
Em: it’s there
Nelson: Oh, damn can you post it? Please.
Nelson: It would save a lot of misunderstanding.
Em: that’s what I meant, it’s there.
Em: what the FUCK are you talking about?
Nelson: I can’t get it.
Nelson: I tried. I only get about the last 40 lines.
Em: what will save a lot of misunderstanding?!?!?
Nelson: I get from “I’ll always be your friend”, nothing before.
Em: what will save a lot of misunderstanding?!?!?
Nelson: It will just eliminate a lot of misunderstanding if we know exactly what we said. We both are real persnickity about exact things.
Em: yes.. but what in particular were you looking for?
Nelson: I just agree a lot with what you said and I want to admit it but get the words right.
Em: what did I say that I’m going to regret.
Nelson: Nothing that you’ll regret. It was something you said about me that after thinking about, I agree with.
Em: which was?
Nelson: It was just thoughts I wanted to put in our journal.
Em: what did I say that you now agree with?
Nelson: You’re doing your damnest to get it out of me aren’t you?
Em: You’re doing your damnest to drive my curiousity nuts, asshole
Em: I wish you wouldn’t play that fucking game with me. It just pisses me the fuck off.
Nelson: Thank you. at least I could drive you somewhere.
Em: You just don’t realize how passionately I hate you right now. AND the other day when you played your other fucking game that you will TELL ME when we are face to face or whatever the fuck and the fucking LIST You made.
Nelson: Jeez, I’m not playing. If you’re going to get like that then fuck it.
Em: I’m sooooo fucking ready for you to be the fuck out of my life forever
Em: FUCK YOU!
Nelson: I don’t know what to say.I thought we were just having a nice convo tonight. I didn’t even know you were pissed about last night. I just like to talk to you face to face, thats all. And i made a list so I wouldn’t forget. Jeez, i’m not trying to piss you off or anything. I just want to talk to you.
Em: I was not pissed about last night
Em: nothing happened last night
Em: I have no fucking clue what you are talking about AS USUAL
Nelson: You just said you were.
Nelson: You just said you were.
Em: Nelson (7/30/2007 7:12:06 PM): Thats one of the things I”d like to talk about but up front not over this fuckin machin. Its not my addiction.
Em (7/30/2007 7:12:28 PM): fine fuck you too
Nelson: I think there are messages between us that are not coming thru.
Em: k I was pissed, but not as pissed as I am now. You keep pulling this shit.. I won’t want to talk to you on here at ALL anymore
Em: right. sure there are. blame it on the IM
Nelson: No, no, I’ve typed 2 or 3 things and they don’t get posted.
Em: so, try to repost them
Nelson: I do and then they work. I don’t look at the screen when I type so when I send it I don’t know what happens.
Nelson: I’m not trying to piss you off at all. I thought we were just chatting and then all hell breaks lose.
Em: THe part that pissed me off was ” It was something you said about me that after thinking about, I agree with.” and then you wouldn’t explain.
Em: Once again.
Em: I hate that game.
Nelson: Its just another difference between us like you said last night. I like face to face and you prefer on-line.
Nelson: I’m not playing any fi=uckin game.
Em: It is a game when you tell me bits and pieces and then don’t follow through.
Em: That’s a game.
Em: You write things on here or in your blog and when I ask about them, you say “I’ll tell you later” or some bs.
Nelson: No its not, I don’t tell you bits and pieces. You have no idea what I want to talk about.
Em: but I ask you a question and you refuse to answer me. That is a game.
Nelson: You’re the one who never answers my blog questions and those are the ones I want to talk about so I’m forced to ask up front and face to face.
Nelson: I’ll always answer any question you ask.
Em: I have asked 2 questions in as many days that you have refused to answer.
Nelson: Name them.
Em: ” It was something you said about me that after thinking about, I agree with.” What?
Nelson: Huh?
Em: and
Em: What did you mean by “I told her in bed that after watching the ritual again, I could understand why I would never be the main person in her life. “
Em: What did I say that you agreed with?
Em: after thinking about it?
Nelson: LUST
Em: thank you
Nelson: The ritual comment I made need a lot of discussion. Its not a one word answer and its something I would just likw to discuss.
Em: whatever
Nelson: No big deal, just another thing I came to realize.
Nelson: I appreciate what that you let me observe that night. It wasn’t so much the ceremony but what it means to you.
Em: It means a lot to me
Nelson: No reason to be pissed, Just something we can clear up and maybe understand where both of us are coming from or going to.
Nelson: It meant a lot to me too.
Nelson: Yoour life and thoughts mean a lot to me. I revel in the times when I think i finally understand different things about you and your aims and dreams in life.
Em: well, there’s nothing wrong with that, I suppose
Nelson: Thats what I’m trying to get at. Its something I’d just like to sit down and talk to you about, Its not a fuckin game. Just observations and feelings.
Em: yeah, but WAIT until we are sitting down before you mention it.
Em: Mentioning it and then not explaining pisses me off immensely.
Nelson: And I like to hear what you have to say.
Nelson: I don’t mean to do that. Thats why I never give you a subject. Just things I like to discuss.
Em: and I hate that too
Nelson: I’m sorry. I guess I like to have a little agenda ( why I made a list) like I do when I’m working in the basement. I have a mental list of things that need to be done, the order they need to be done and what it will take to do them. Its just my way of thinking.
Em: SO make your list and DON’T TELL ME ABOUT IT, duh!
Nelson: Yeah, I know. it seems that I feel so comfortable with you that I tell you everything. I guess its a fault but its my honesty and the way I think. I don’t mean to offend or piss you off. Just a difference between us.
Nelson: We just think differently love. The difference is that I will tell you exactly what I feel and you’re more unsure about me and will reserve your opinion.
Nelson: I’m too honest and straightforward to a fault. But with you, I felt so comfortable, I had nothing to hide or gloss over.
Em: what the fuck does that have to do with not following through with your hints about what you want to talk about?
Em: it’s such a fucking annoying trait.
Em: had we ever actually delved into a real relationship, I would have split with you for that alone
Nelson: I
didn’t know I was doing that. I would only say that I wanted to talk and then you would drag it out of me. Yes it is a fault of mine. I want to make sure that I have everything covered and so i announce up front my agenda.
Em: well STOP
Nelson: I guess its just a logical progression for me and I try to think and act that way. I don’t mean it to be any game or anything.
Nelson: k
Em: well, to me it’s a game
Nelson: Its not a game. Its the way I think.
Nelson: I try to be logical and your more spontaneous.
Nelson: I appreciate you for the way you do things. I would like you to appreciate the way I do them also, though different.
Em: a simple fact about who I am and how I work, and you are asking me to concede the point? You are asking me to deal with this aspect of you? Why?
Em: What is the point?
Nelson: It would have been interesting had we tried to delve into a real relationship ( though I thought we were at times). We would have definitely had our eyes opened to different mannerisms
Em: You continue to give me hints and lists and topics of some “future” conversation, I will continue to get pissed off and stressed out like I did a few times before (okay, more than a few.. quite numerous actually) and by the time we DO talk, I’ll already be pissed off and it’ll explode out of proportion.
Em: yeah. that’s a good plan.
Em: I’ll concede I am who I am and you are who you are
Em: but trust me. It’ll still piss me off royally
Nelson: No point love. I guess we’re done for the night. Sorry we couldn’t communicate better. I just thought by talking now, you’d understand how I think and why I do things. I guess it really doesn’t matter anyway. So what the hell, what are we argueing about?
Nelson: Now you know why I like talking face to face and not over the puter.
Em: bingo
Em: we are arguing cuz you were playing games and fucking with my head and not answering my questions
Nelson: I’m not playing any fuckin games with you and I sure aint fuckin with your head. I was telling you something about me and you don’t give a rats ass so I agree, whats the point.
Nelson: I’ll see you tomorrow, chips in hand. (and smokes too)
Em: no, you were refusing to answer my questions
Nelson: What questions do you want answered?
Em: you answered them FINALLY
Nelson: What?
Em: after the name calling and temper tantrum started
Em: refusing to answer questions is a game
Nelson: And did it help, did it clarify anything, did you understand why I wanted to wait and talk to you at length?
Em: no, I don’t understand why you want to talk to me at length
Nelson: I’m not playing any fuckin game. I don’t have time to play.
Em: the one word, LUST answered the question from today
Em: the other, fuck it.
Nelson: Fuck what?
Nelson: I just wanted to put it in the journal cause thats what I was thinking and thats the ppoint of the journal for the last times we are together.
Em: I don’t care.. that’s what happens when you fuck with my head like that, I stop caring what you want to say, what you think.. any of it.
Em: because it’s too much trouble to be curious about something that you prally will never explain
Em: or it will turn out to be something so stupid and simple that you could have told me and saved us both yet another fight
Em: that’s what it comes down to
Em: I will still be glad when I don’t have to deal with this anymore
Nelson: Its important to me.
Nelson: Its my journal and my thoughts about what I feel inthe times we have left.
Em: sure
Em: whatever
Em: I’m glad it’s important to you.
Em: Isn’t it too bad that the discussions we have face to face won’t be recorded the same
Nelson: I don’t want to fight with you. I just want to be happy and make you happy for the next 55 days.
Em: You’ll forget stuff… or you’ll mis-remember or misunderstand (as you’ve always done) whereas on here or even there, we can clarify it
Em: you can’t make me happy
Nelson: No shit. I wish there was a way we could do that. i try to remember them and put them down but I know I forget some things.
Em: yup
Em: exactly my point
Em: typed, we have it in print
Em: spoken, you’re screwed
Nelson: Yep.
Nelson: I try to put it down the next day and I thought if you read it and didn’t agree, you’d tell me.
Em: well, when I disagree I DO tell you
Nelson: Why do you want to fight about everything?
Em: but like you said the last weekend, there is stuff you just forget
Nelson: I know, thats why I ask you for your input too.
Nelson: A perfect example is the thing you said about coming back to visit. I said no, Mabon was it and then you came back and said there was a misunderstanding. We just never talked about it. But its on my list.
Nelson: Somethig that needs to be clarified.
Em: I was thinking of Kevin at the time. I have since decided it is definitely best that you did not come back to visit.
Nelson: Fine, thats what I said. And I knew you meant about Kevin. I didn’t understand about you thinking I misunderstood. Thats why I think face to face is good
Em: Well, at least we are on agreeance upon that.
Em: It was a moment of weekness for me, one of those times that my pity for you overwhelmed my need to have you out of my life.
Em: It happens occasionally.
Em: I’m human and I hate hurting people, but you gave me no choice.
Nelson: Love, theres no reason for us to fight or argue.Why can’t we just go on and not make a big deal out of all the little shit.
Nelson: Why did I give you no choice?
Nelson: I don’t understand.
Nelson: You wanted to hurt me, and you still do. Theres no reason. Just tell me up front. All will be well.
Nelson: Please stop shitting on me. We’re done. Lets at lease be respectable and honesy with each other.
Nelson: Theres no reason to hurt me any more. You’ve done your job, so let it be.
Em: I never wanted to hurt you
Em: but then, you’ll never ever understand that
Nelson: Yeah you did, you even told me.
Em: so we are back to the blaming that I should have told you I scrwed around on you in the beginning.
Nelson: Yep.
Nelson: And not played me along
Em: but I did tell you, once, that you had moved from fuck buddy #2 to the point position, and I wouldn’t tell you everything anymore, because that is the way I am.. I remember saying that clearly, when you were wanting to be in #1 position
Nelson: I would have still been your best frien and done anything you wanted.
Nelson: Huh?
Nelson: I remember saying That If I’m number 2 I try harder.
Nelson: I guess what really did it for me was that you would tease me and bring me along enough to just keeo my hopes up and then you would kill them.
Nelson: I understand now, why I would never be in the no. 1 position. As we said the other night in bed,”my eyes are open”
Em: good
Nelson: I just wish you would have told me.
Em: past is past
Em: can’t change it
Em: I always said I was a bitch. You shoulda listend
Nelson: I work better that way. Nothing would have changed. I’d have been the best friend you and Kevin ever had.
Em: too late
Nelson: Yeah, You are a bitch but I never thought anyone could be that cruel.
Nelson: I really thought you cared about me but it was all just a game with you.
Em: right
Em: I never cared about you
Em: it was all just a game
Em: is that what you are needing to hear now?
Em: lies?
Nelson: Get what you want with no feelings.
Em: I am a cruel, heartless, cold fucking cunt
Em: there.
Em: feel better?
Nelson: No. Cause y
ou’re not.
Em: Yes. I’ve always gotten what I wanted. No feelings. No attachments. Just my body and my mind.
Em: Coldness.
Em: Dead.
Em: No feelings
Em: Empty
Em: I have my son. I don’t want or need anything else.
Em: There is nothing else.
Em: I do what I have to do to keep my son healthy and well
Em: I am empty, cold and all you ever saw of me until now was false
Nelson: Yes Thats number 11
Em: Does that make you feel better?
Em: Are my “lies” now what you want?
Nelson: No, cause in my heart I know you are better than that.
Em: Is that what you need to hear to go on?
Em: Is it?
Em: Well, you have it.
Em: You have it in words.
Em: You have it in writing.
Em: Speak them I shall not, but write them I can.
Em: It is all a lie.
Em: Everything was always a lie.
Em: From day one, it was a lie.
Nelson: See, you’re doing it again.
Em: Falsified.
Em: I knew I would win you over the fucking cunt you were living with.
Em: She didn’t stand a chanc.
Em: She abused you in ways I never needed to.
Em: I owned your heart and your soul.
Em: I controled you good.
Nelson: Yes you did.
Em: So, now, you go on with your life. You beleive what you need to believe
Em: someday, you may know the truth, but now you know what you need to know to drive on.
Em: and you need to drive on.
Em: You will find someone who feels the same about you as you do about them
Em: I told you why I fucked M, didn’t I?
Em: You were just practice.
Em: M is too closed from the world for it to work.
Nelson: I believe in you and me, I believe thats what you said.
Em: He was too scared of his own life.
Em: Hell, he might even be gay..
Em: but I wasn’t able to hurt him the way he hurt my friend
Em: *shrug8
Em: but I didn’t care.
Em: it was interesting.. fascinating fucking with him
Em: And N. He was fun.. he lived close to Council Grove, so it was convenient.
Em: I was hoping to find someone IN council grove, but that never happend
Em: I never said WHAT I believed about you and me.
Em: I never had to.
Em: I only spoke half words, half sentences and your imagination filled in the rest
Em: I never needed to lie becuause your own mind did the lying for me.
Em: so it was all so perfect
Em: but then you didn’t go away when I was done with you
Em: so I tried various things
Em: I was done, but you fell in love you stupid fucker
Em: and you continued to cling
Em: I figured distance would break the ties and I wouldn’t have to
Em: but I was wrong.
Em: you broke the distance
Em: you never gave up
Nelson: Yeah, I loved you.
Em: yeah, I shoulda told ya sooner, but I thought you had more pride and self-esteem than you had.
Em: I hadn’t realized that cold fucking cunt before me had broken you so badly that you weren’t even a man any more
Em: you are nothing but a ghost
Em: and I didn’t realize that i was your lifeline
Em: I figured fuckbuddies, great
Em: friends sure
Em: but love?
Em: wtf
Em: so I figured ya would get over it.. move on.. get a life
Em: but you never did.
Em: so I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Em: actually truly break someone’s heart
Em: and even that wasn’t easy
Em: you coudl’t take hints
Em: it had to be direct
Em: you don’t realize what that cost me
Em: not quite as much as fucking you to get the basement done contract cost me, but it cost me a lot
Em: and I have to live with all I’ve done and didn’t do
Em: but I learned a lot.
Em: I hope I am strong enough to tell someone sooner if it isn’t working
Em: but then, I never had any problem telling niles.
Em: so I think that I had learned that lesson a while back.
Em: William, ah William was another story.
Em: that coulda been something…
Em: but he didn’t want to play second fiddle
Em: and by that time I wanted / needed the basement done
Em: so he went away
Em: but now I need a cig.
Em: so
Em: I feel better. How ’bout you?
Nelson: Are you done now?
Em: sure
Em: did you have something to add?
Nelson: I still think you’re a good person and I think with me your heart was generally in the right place. You really did have some feelings for me even though I wasn’t what you wanted.At times you wanted to make it work and at other times, you were selfish like me. I was proud to be with you. I had a beautiful lady that would hang on my arm and would make me feel good. I didn’t know about anything else so i didn’t care.
Nelson: Even with our age difference, I thought I could make it work. I thought you were worth the effort. As I said last night, you energized me and made me feel alive again.
Nelson: I’ve never felt love like I felt for you. I thought you were the real thing. You were my salvation and my inspiration.
Nelson: I’ll still be your friend, You’ll probably need one if you treat others like you’ve treated me. Too bad I’m a good and honest person who wanted nothing but the best for you and Kevin.
Nelson: I said I would not say this again but “you could do worse but you’ll never do better”
Nelson: I’m done adding anything.
Em: k
Em: thank you for your insights *sarcasm*
Nelson: Thank you for your honesty, even if it was too late for us.
Em: it was bits of honesty and bits of lies, but you are welcome
Em: I told you what you needed to hear and that’s all that matters.
Nelson: I know love, I know.
Em: so you can look back at this conversation and read what you want / need to from my words.
Em: yes, I will post it.
Nelson: What matters is that you were a little bit honest with me. Its all important. Thats what I’ll remember.
Em: fine
Nelson: I may not be te man I once was but I’m man enough to know that at one time we had great feelings for each other and that we could have been whatever we wanted to be. It just didn’t follow that trail.
Nelson: I guess we should head to bed. We don’t want to be so tired that we have to tell Kevin good night on go to bed before him.
Nelson: I’ll see you tomorrow, chips in hand.
Nelson: And smokes.
Em: thanks
Em: good night
Nelson: Night love, sleep well.
Nelson: Wish I would have been there tonight.
Em: I’m glad you were not
Nelson: You wouldn’t have pulled a Tamie, would you?
Em: nope
Nelson: Night love.
Em: good night