• Tue. Feb 7th, 2023

The good, the bad and the ugly.

My son had an open house tonight. I actually thought it was just a fund-raiser / chili feed, but no, it was an honest-to-goodness, full-fledged open house. He had a neat little checklist of things. It was fun.
In the music room, he got to play various instruments. It was fun! The teacher had removed all the “sharp” keys from the xylophones so even with all the racket, it didn’t sound too bad. She seems to be a lot of fun! There were bongo drums, a native american drum and dumbeks. (I love Dumbeks) Didn’t get to see much in art. Kevin wanted to show me something, but the teacher had a big warning: wet paint over their individual boxes. *sigh*

Everyone knows my son’s name, but no one said anything positive about him. I guess he is still not keeping his hands to himself. He is out of his seat and not being a “proper” student. It really bugs me.
I remember how it was when I went to Porsche’s school. Yeah, I know boys are different than girls, but… everyone always had such wonderful stuff to say about Porsche.

I won’t put him on drugs. I simply wont! My parents are pissed about it. I want to wait till my ex gets back from Iraq. They really are pissed. Fuck ’em. It just sucks.

My mom wants me to get my son a bike helmet, even for his scooter. AND I told her about his school pix. (They are really good). Mom sent 50 to pay for both things. *sigh* That’s barely enough for the pix.. AND I’m supposed to get him a helmet? And he wants knee and elbo protection too.

They don’t understand the debt my ex got me into. Yeah, I fucked up and never should have done the basement… but even without that, I was tight. I had to help him out.. he might never have left the bitch otherwise. He may have, but.. *sigh* I felt I had to do it!
I think my parents think I’m foolishly spending money, but I’m not! I haven’t bought anything for myself and barely anything for my son. I was always able to buy him movies and little things before, but now I’m struggling just to buy him food and clothes! I’m really going to have to get a second job. Kevin’s just going to have to deal with staying at Mel’s.

If my parents would have helped me with my ex, but they didn’t. Maybe even couldn’t. I know being retired and they don’t have a huge nest egg. They have one, and it is prally pretty good sized, but with Mom’s medical.. bitch.

It just really sucks. I was always able to count on them, but they always get stingy when they are not happy with me. Until my son moved in, that was never a problem… but I have new expenses.. and they are upset about him possibly having ADHD. They are upset about me helping my ex out.. and they are upset that I wasted all that money on the basement.

I’m pretty pissed off at myself for that too. Honestly, what good is it doing me? I mean, I have a guest room. Whoo hoo. A future TV room, MAYBE if I ever get caught up on bills. There’s no carpet. The bathroom still only has my washer and drier and plumbing now for my tub, toilet and vanity, but that’s not going to happen. I don’t even see it as vaguely possible for the next year at least! (Unless my fucking expensive hypochondriac mother dies.)

Okay. So. I’m on the rag. I’m whiney, I’m bitchy. I need to help my son. He can learn to behave in school, but I gotta figure out how. My parents are just stupid and I really wish they weren’t coming this weekend, even to pick up my son to spend time with him and take him to the carnival. I’d rather he and I were staying here. *shrug* I really am looking forward to a night at Gaea… but… *growl*

Where did I go wrong? I helped my ex. I helped people along the way whenever I could with whatever I could.. I harbor some.. anger.. towards the bitch, but not enough that I should be deserving.. this. I can hope for a raise, but I don’t see one happening. I wanted to go to the dentist, but I’m thinking my best plan will be to drop insurance completely. I will enroll in the 401k once I’m eligible at the first of the year, but…. any possible raise would be wiped out by the expense of medical insurance. And Murphey’s law says, as soon as I drop insurance, that will be when I get sick.

I love my job! It’s great! Good people, good work! The pay is basically the same as what I’d be getting if I was working for the state of Kansas, so it isn’t horrible. I have some perks, as in I can work from home if my son is sick and not get docked pay, but.. I really need about 3-5 hundred dollars more a month. There is no way in hell that I will get THAT kind of pay raise.. so, a second job is my only choice. It’s my only guarantee that I can pay all my bills.

Which of course is the other option. Not paying my bills… getting my credit screwed up.. but I’m not ready to do that! For the first time in my entire life, I have good credit! A fairly high credit score (except my debt to income ratio is horrendous)

I was actually considering having a “boyfriend” move in to help pay bills. But how fair is that to him? How could I do that to him or me? That’s just wrong on all sorts of levels. No. Now is not the time. I need to survive this on my own. I don’t want to be with someone because I “need” their money. If I wanted that, I woulda kept dj around… not that he had much money anymore since his bankruptcy anyway…. LOL and *sigh*

So. I sit here, 9 pm on a Wednesday evening. PMSing, terrified about my son getting kicked out of a private school Terrified that someone is going to insist my son take medication for ADD or ADHD or wtf. Terrified that I’m going to screw up my credit scores and / or not be able to pay my bills. Terrified that some emergency will happen and I will need to max out my credit cards AGAIN to fix whatever. And still trying to make life good for my son.

Damn. There’s no light at the end of THIS tunnel. At least not at this particular moment.
hmmph.
Sucks to be me.

But! My son IS with me. I get to see him every morning, take him to school, pick him up from school, help him with his homework and read to him or listen to him read to me. He is WITH me all the time. Maybe I can’t buy him everything (or anything) he wants, but isn’t having him with me just as important? More important?

I do wonder, though, if my parents could help me… why didn’t they? Why haven’t they?
I guess I took advantage of them long enough. *sigh* Time for me to grow up, eh?
But you know what? I would do ANYTHING for my son. No matter what (as long as he wasn’t buying illegal things with it). I wouldn’t stop. Whether I was angry or not. He’s my SON! Why do I feel like my parents left me high and dry. Not once, not twice, but 3 times when it came to my son and my ex.

I should sleep, but I’m not even sure I am tired. Just grumpy, pissy, and I don’t know if my tummy hurts from cramps or stress or what. Prally both at least… and that chili tonight.. *grin*

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day.

Em

I'm Me!

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