• Fri. Sep 22nd, 2023

What do I feel… now that it’s over?

Apr 11, 2017 #death, #feelings, #parents, #Runions

It’s over. It’s done.

Runions has been sentenced. 60 months minus 10 months (ish) served and minus 15% for good behavior.

What do I feel?
At first, shell-shocked. Probably still shell-shocked. Numb, even.

When I read my statement, I looked him in his eyes. Yes, he even looked back as I accused him. As my voice broke, as I found my strength. He looked back at me. He did not have eyes of a killer. I’d like to believe that once he gets out, he will never drink and drive again. I’d like to believe that he will find a way to dedicate his life to helping others.. the healer he was meant to be.

Something the defense attorney said.. If Runions did black out.. if he really did.. there was a sharp curve a ways up from where the accident.. is it possible that hitting my parents saved his life? Is it wrong that I could even think such a thing? Has that thought crossed his mind? I’ll likely never know, but it has now crossed mine.

How do I feel?
Relief that it is over.
Stressed… because part of me is like “Now what?”

I just want to go back and time, curl up on my old bed back in Ellsworth and have my parent back, even though our relationship was rocky. *wry grin* I was a rebellious child, teen and adult.

But I cannot go back in time.. Oh, for a TARDIS and at least learn my parents’ history… nudge them to write their stories or fill in information on the pictures..

So how do I feel?
I’m struggling with that. I usually know exactly how I feel. I know because I’m an empath and I have had to learn and love myself, but right now.. just numbness. Empty.

I have future plans, but they are FAR in the future. What am I right now? What do I feel right now?

My job.. I go back to work tomorrow. I knew I wouldn’t be ready today, but I’m pretty sure I can get back in the swing of things tomorrow. Stop smoking again. I never really started smoking at work, so that should help.. hopefully, theoretically.

What do I feel? I’m exploring that. Doctor Who on TV. The new series starting on Saturday. Easter Weekend! LOL It’s my least favorite Doctor, but it’s better than silence, I suppose. I’m still good friends with silence, but, I’m still enjoying the background noise.

Maybe it’s stopping me from thinking.

I’m tired. I could probably take a nap. I slept well, went to bed a bit late, around midnight, but fell asleep as usual. Got up, got my son to school. AT&T had to come fix my internet, although “fixed” might be debatable. Time will tell.

What do I feel? Sleepy, empty, sad.
yes, I’m feeling sad. Why am I sad? Is it a new sad or is it the old sad?

Sad that it’s over. It was the driving force, I suppose. Now it’s time to release the sadness, look forward. Forget Runions, as I said in my statement. I never have to think of him again. The sentencing is no longer something that’s coming soon. It’s over. It’s done.

What do I feel?

I don’t know what else.
I feel love for my husband, my son, my brother, my sister-in-law, all my friends who stood by me and supported me, sent me positive energies and prayers and so much love.

Yes. I feel love.

Raising my vibrations will help.
For the past week, the lilacs my co-worker gave me helped. I could walk by and smell them and that made me smile. Those lilacs helped me so much!

Books. I have an entire eLibrary thanks to TSCPL, the local library. I can escape in books… computers.. facebook.. a game I play…

But is escaping okay right now? Is it healthy?

Tomorrow I will go to work.
I will feel differently then.
My co-workers will make me laugh, they will make me smile.

What do I feel?

I feel okay.
Nothing too strongly. Nothing too empty.
I feel.

I’m okay with that.


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