If life has got you down, simply ask yourself: “What would a Pirate do?”

Asking this question will no doubt lead you along a path that starts at a local inn, where the first answer awaits you…

1. A Pirate Would Drink Some Grog.
If grog isn’t the bread of life, it’s certainly what you need to keep that bread from catching in your gullet. Grog opens the mind and frees the soul. It also frees the inhibitions, so be mindful in your search that you don’t obtain grog goggles. Too much grog can make for questionable bunkmates, and if you’re wearing an eye patch you’re already a couple of cards behind the game.

Once the mind has been appropriately lubricated, you may find that it wanders. This is good, for a wandering mind is a searching mind. And yet, if the mind strays too far, you may find yourself asking the wrong questions or even turning forgetful. Which leads you to….

2. A Pirate Would Obtain A Parrot.
Parrots are renowned across the seas for repeating (or ‘parroting’) the words of humans. When a Pirate can’t recall what he’s just said, he can always just wait a second or two for the parrot to repeat his words (for example, “Aaaak! Me hook is caught in me bonnie’s blouse.”). A good parrot is essential to a happy and prosperous life of plunder, but parrots are about as scarce as Pirates these days. In a pinch you can substitute a computer, PDA, or even a diary to do your parroting for ye.

But computers, PDAs, diaries, and parrots are no substitute for true bonhomie. And drinking alone, even with a parrot perched on your shoulder, is not the Pirate way. This brings us to step three.

3. Find Ye A Band Of Marauders.
All the greats had a merry band of marauders to assist them-toothless, unshaven, and smelly. Seek for yourself a group of similar ilk. They will lift you up when you are down. And when you are whipped up into a bloodlust, you will find that they ground you. Blackbeard speaks of a time when he was at his most vulnerable-he looked back on the beach to see only one set of foot and peg leg prints. It was then that his first mate, “Ol’ Longshanks,” had carried him along the shore. Words to live by.

Once you have found your grog, your parrot, and your band of marauders, you are ready to act like a true Pirate. And what does a Pirate want most? He wants a Pirate ship…

4. If You Can’t Steal One, Build Yar Ship.
A Pirate just isn’t a Pirate if he doesn’t own a seaworthy vessel. You may have an eye patch, you may even have a parrot and a peg leg, but the true goal of any Pirate worth his weight in doubloons is to gain a means of travelin’ the Seven Seas. A ship gives you true meaning. It provides transport and opens the world to ye. Without one, you’re just a guy in a funny outfit.

So now ye have the trappings of a real Pirate. What are ye going to do with ’em?

5. Find Thee A Wench!
Or if you’re a wench, find thee a Pirate! Wenchs and Pirates go together like spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. Now hit the seas and take what’s comin’ to ye!!!

The journey is a long one, and the voyce can sometimes be monotonous-long hours spent with the same merry band, consuming the same grog and gruel for months on end, bunking with the same wench. There’s only one way to avoid Pirate malaise.

6. When In Doubt, Plunder!!
The only way to avoid inaction is to take action. Examine yer charts and locate a sleepy fishing village.

Then plunder it!

Find a town inhabited by wealthy noblemen.

And plunder them!

These days it’s too easy to sit back and find excuses. If you want to see what’s out there, go see it. Then plunder, plunder, plunder.

With these basic Pirate principles, you should be able to live out your days in happiness and prosperity. follow them at all times, remembering their importance most when you’re lost and in the doldrums. And if by chance you find that you still can’t put wind in your sails, remember this last point….

7. Arrrgh!!!
To accept the Pirate life is to accept the eternal Arrrgh!!! Without it, your just another landlubber.