A hero that has let me down. (letter)
Yes. Are you surprised? You always have been my hero.
But I gotta tell you, these past few years, I have felt like you have let me down. You see, you’re my hero. You are my Daddy, and I love you very much. I always have. No matter what you heard from those stupid know-it-all shrinks or from Mom, I’ve always loved you.. And the only reason I’ve stayed in touch is for you. The only reason I came back home after running away was because of you.
Yet, you seemed to choose mom over me. Yes, she is your wife and I only a daughter, but still, perhaps the bridges that were burnt over and over again might not have been so bad if you would have stood up for me… or helped me try to explain who I was to her. I know now that you understood (mostly), but you choose not to fight that battle. Yes you do have to be with her every day, but this past year, the year without a family Christmas, when I finally had a chance to “come home” and spend it with you and Mom and Drew, was stolen from me. Forever. Because Mom doesn’t like John. Because Mom doesn’t agree with my choices. MY choices. MY life. Yes, I know she wants me to have a good life, but do you want to know what is more important to me? Happiness. And even then, you didn’t put your foot down. “Your mother was very sick last Christmas”…
Dad, honestly, when ISN’T Mom sick?
I could have had what Mom wanted, a rich guy, a nice home, a maid, etc. but I wouldn’t have been happy. I have never met a rich man with a good soul. I want a man with a good soul. One who loves me and takes care of me the best that he can. One who I can share everything with and will share everything with me. A man like you are, inside and out. The shrinks always say you marry your Father. I’m just lucky I had a good one! I look at souls, I look beyond the outside, and you are good, inside and out. You worked hard for what you had, for what you earned. You did
It is the same with friends. My friends weren’t ever rich, but they were good people. That’s what I always looked for. I never cared about money, and thanks to you, I’ve always had enough to get by. Even sometimes without your money. You always came through for me. I can never pay you back, but I will pay it forward. I will take care of Kevin always as you have taken care of me. Even better because I won’t use money like a tool, like Mom can. When she is happy with me and my choices, the money comes more often. When she isn’t happy, she doesn’t share. Her money, her choice, I understand. This will be the last time you will have to bail me out. In my mind, this is still the remnants of my time with Michael. This is a chunk of his bills that I took to get him and Kevin away from Tracy-Bitch once and for all. It was worth every penny of the nearly 3k I spent to do it. My son lives with ME now. Isn’t that worth it?
Anyway, last year, when Mom told me that John and I could come for Christmas Day only, it broke my heart. I hurt for a very long time after that and that’s when I got rude. I didn’t call Mom for mother’s day, I did call you for Father’s Day, etc. I didn’t even wish Mom a happy Birthday, but I went out of my way to wish one to you. I was so hurt, Dad, but even then, I placed the blame fully on her. You just aren’t anything but her lackey it seems, sometimes.
You let me down when you didn’t say, hey, come on, maybe we could put them up in the hotel or something. *sigh* Anything. Instead, I had a wonderful Christmas with Drew, Courtney, Kevin, John and myself. You were welcome. I was scared, but you were welcome. It woulda worked. It was a damn good dinner. I was so proud. So very very proud. And sad at the same time. So very very sad that this magnificent dinner *I* made wasn’t share by you and Mom. It was delicious.
And then you tell me that she didn’t want to come because my home is filthy. Well, if I could afford a maid like she could, I would, but it’s simply not an option.
Dad, you are my hero. You are still my hero, but you let me down.
I think we have begun the path of healing. For ALL of us. I’m excited about the possibilities, but I won’t change who I am. I’m glad that Mom invited us again for Christmas. I do not even know if it is for the day or an over night stay. I won’t ask. Drew is gonna help me get a hotel room and we’ll just plan for that. Either way, I’m doing it for you and for Drew. Likely, I’m doing it because healing time with Mom has started.
I will end this letter with my usual that helps me and my friends get through things.
All will be well and all manner of things will be well.
I love you still,