My horoscope (sorta) for today went like this:
You may experience conflicting emotions today, trying to
decide whether you should stay in an unsatisfying situation,
or if by leaving it behind, you are abandoning a good thing.
Clarity will come to you if you are honest with yourself.
Pretend you are an onlooker giving advice if you get stuck.
Interesting.. What advice WOULD I give myself…
Prally that I’m being selfish… and perhaps needy.
Comfortable.. yeah… but what I’m doing.. is it fair?
Certainly not to the other party involved… but that isn’t how he sees it.
I want to go out and explore. I need to find that spark. It may be under my nose, but am I blocking that possiblity? And what will happen if I DO find it? Won’t it be worse if I wait?
But I don’t think anything but finding someone else will actually make a dent. I think as long as I have a little to give, he’ll be happy. Well, at least content. He won’t give up hope. But then, I would have other friends tell me that he hasn’t given up hope because I haven’t forced him to give up hope.
Of course, there was a part of me wishing it would happen. It would be easier if it had happened.. but it has not. Just last night, he told me “You will never feel the same about me as I do about you.” and I could not deny it. I just apologized..
Why did I apologize? It’s not my fault. I can’t control my feelings…
but then, am I just hiding? Will I ever trust again?
Sparks happen.. but they don’t “grow” into happening… do they?
The advice I would give myself. Be true to your heart. Be true to your friend. Don’t give him false hopes. But I haven’t.. have I? I don’t THINK I have, but then I haven’t pushed him out of my life either… but it is so nice being catered to and he has helped with a lot of things… but then, I have helped him as well… maybe the scales will soon be balanced. As always, I wish another person would pop into his life and make the decision for me. Hmmmph. And my advice to myself would be.. you have already MADE the decision. What are you going to do about it?
I hate hurting people’s feelings.
*sigh*
Sounds like an interesting situation! But you do seem to have a good handle on your own thoughts and feelings… even if you won’t admit it to yourself. It is always about quid pro quo. Give and take. But once you decide, act on it soon. Otherwise it may cause more harm later. I have made that mistake before…
Sparks do happen….and are well worth it. You are only denying both you and him from finding what you really need and desire. With every beginning there is an ending. Look at what is happening in my life right now. I don’t know if I’m on the right path to finding what I need, but damn I’m enjoying the journey. You had a chance to meet the newest part of my journey last weeknend. If I was still stuck where I was I wouldn’t be enjoying the sparks. (and damn they are worth it!) I would have to say you are in a comfort zone. They are great for a bit, but get boring. New ventures are scary cuz there’s no guarentees, they leave you open to getting hurt, and its not “safe”. What you have is like that old favorite pair of shoes, comfortable and reliable. It really is easier to stay in that comfort zone in some ways, but it isn’t fair to either party in the end.
Jeannie, yeah..
I am denying us both the chance…
you met him, though.. he takes really good care of me and Kevin…
but… there simply isn’t any true love there.. Deep caring, yes.. but sparks there are not.. Just comfort..
*sigh*
Drogan, you are correct as well…
But I have not the strength to do it.. Not yet… Maybe I need a stronger reason.. I dunno……
I hate breaking hearts…
A stronger reason? Would that be the person you are hoping to pop into your life and make the decision for you? Sorry hon, but that must be a decision you make for youself. Otherwise you have accomplished nothing but allowing someone else to dictate your life. I wish that I could help more…
Hey Em… like I said last night, you gotta do what’s right for you and yes that does mean making a decision. And he really does have a point. Aren’t YOU a strong enough reason? You are the only person who will ever take care of you…..period. Keep that in mind. You should be your first priority, regardless of how much you think you owe someone, what they need, they deserve etc. You can only live your life for you….not for anyone else.
You both make some good, thought-provoking comments.
I shall have to think upon this… mayhap Meditate sometime soon…
Thunderstorm this morn would have been a great time to Meditate.. especially since I lost electricity, however, I had to go to work..
*sigh*
Thanks to both of you!!
*huggles*