Oh and all my messages from that time, except from this account are now gone. I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. It makes me sad, especially now that I am going back and trying to remember what the hell I was thinking but… at the same time… I don’t know. I wish I still had those emails, but if wishes were real, cockroaches would have uzi’s….
Anyway, I remember now… It was the emotional side. All I remembered lately was the fact that I had told Tracy that sex was better with T and she had run to my ex with that info. Yeah. *sigh* And I thought I could still trust her with my inner most secrets. Boy was I proven wrong and in such a harsh way.
But it wasn’t just that. I did find some old thoughts… and it was the fact that my ex didn’t have an emotional side. I had forgotten that. Through all this, I had forgotten that he mostly was just “cold”. (Except when we lost Christopher and when our son was born.) He didn’t allow himself to feel emotions or get emotional. In fact, he didn’t want emotions at all. And I am a reactive, emotional female.
This clears some things up for me. This also makes me feel better about my indecisiveness so many years ago (what, 3 years now? Shit NO! IT’s 4 years now!! damn!! That’s an awfully long time for Tracy to still be jealous of me…) I couldn’t give up the emotional side of T.. and yes, T was very emotional. He didn’t hide his emotions…
But he was also lacking the things I enjoyed most from my ex.
That was why I wanted the quad thing to work. I wanted the excitement, and we had the “same interests, doing fun stuff together, reading, camping, hunting, fishing, SCA, internet, spending money, sexual attraction.” as I put in a note I wrote on November 11, 2002. But I also needed the emotional.. comfort, caring, understanding of emotions, etc.
Now I understand. That is why I couldn’t choose. I need(ed) both and all in my life. That was why I was indecisive. How do you choose between all those things when you need and want them all in your life… and you only got some and not the rest from one person. How could I decide what I wanted more. I didn’t want to lose the emotional, but I didn’t want to lose what I had with my ex. And my indecisiveness made the choice for me.Best choice? I’ll never know.. but it was a choice… and it was made. And my ex and I went our separate ways. Forever apart yet always a part of each other lives because of our son.
At least I remember more now.. although the bulk of the emails we all sent each other during this time are sadly gone… I have a few left.. and the one I quoted above is at least one of the good ones and one that seems to be helping me move forward again as I address these issues of the past which continue to haunt my future…
And maybe someday I will be able to find all that in one person, I would perhaps be able to find true love and happiness.